


sau·da·de

by chantiemaya, Lulufeca



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Childhood Trauma, F/F, Family, Foster Care, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Lesbian Character, Love, Past Abuse, Romance, Tattoos, cis women, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-07-28 03:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16232849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chantiemaya/pseuds/chantiemaya, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulufeca/pseuds/Lulufeca
Summary: sau·da·de/souˈdädə/noundesire to be near someone or something distant; a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgiaKatya gets her first tattoo, and the artist is a beautiful, voluptuous tatted up blonde by the name of Trixie. They become friends, and Trixie’s friend Amy suspects it could be more than that - if it wasn’t for the fact that they both have a no-dating policy. Katya has been through so much with her last girlfriend that she never wants to make herself that vulnerable to someone again. Trixie has her own reasons for keeping women at arm's length - until this one.SPOILERS IN THE TAGSMentions of past abuse and non-consensual sex in future chapters





	1. Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to **Lulufeca** for helping me develop this story. You're a wonderful person, one of the best commenters in this whole fandom and a great person  & friend. You're absolute a co-creator because we discussed every detail of this story and I couldn't have written it without you XO Big thanks also to **H** for proofreading and cleaning up my mess. 
> 
> _Always let me know when I'm forgetting tags you'd like to see on any of my stories. I will add them._
> 
> *DISCLAIMER*  
> This is a work of fiction using characters created by others. I do not own these characters, nor did I get official consent from their owners. The only intent of this work is to entertain readers, not to get any type of financial gain. The acts in this story aren’t necessarily condoned by their creators or by me. Read with caution and read the tags.

It’s a rainy Saturday morning and Katya can’t sleep anymore. She takes a shower, prepares breakfast and coffee, and spends way too long in her closet to find an outfit. She ends up wearing her old pair of black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. After much consideration, she picks up a black lace bralette to wear under the shirt, and a comfortable knitted cardigan.

She paces the kitchen while trying to get her food down, but it’s hard. The coffee does nothing to calm her nerves, no matter how many times she tells herself that she wants this, and she’s going to do it, and she will be fine - she’s still jittery when she leaves the house.

Katya Zamolodchikova is no stranger to physical pain, and she knows she can handle a lot - maybe more than most people. The pain of getting a tattoo, which is what today is all about, is not what she’s nervous about. It’s a mental barrier she needs to cross - letting someone touch her in that exact place and putting that image on her body - that causes the stress.

She took her time choosing the type of image and then the artist. They talked through instagram for a while, the artist e-mailed her some designs and Katya picked the one she liked. Today they will meet for the first time with the intention of getting the tattoo done right away.

Katya is at the shop before it opens, and stands as close to the building as possible to hide from the dreary weather. She took the bus there, but didn’t bring an umbrella. After about fifteen minutes, someone arrives.

“Good morning, you must be Katya,” says a tall blonde. She’s bundled up in a big coat and moves her umbrella over both of their heads.

“Yes, Trixie?” Katya holds out her cold hand.

“Yes, nice to meet you! Come on in.”  
  
Trixie opens the door and turns on the lights, and Katya stands in the middle of the shop for a moment, shivering. A minute later, another girl comes in and takes her place at the counter, offering Katya a drink. She opts for tea to get warm.

From where she sits in the waiting area, Katya can see Trixie prepare in a back room. She’s sipping coffee from a mug that says _All you need is Love and a Cat_ and has little black cats drawn on it. She cleans her work area meticulously and adjusts the lights, then she’s out of sight for a moment, and a printer starts whirring.

Katya didn’t expect a tattoo artist to have completely empty skin, but it’s still a bit of a shock when Trixie takes off her maroon hoodie to expose two fully tattooed arms. They crawl up her shoulders and under the sleeves of her t-shirt, her right arm covered in colorful flowers and what seems to be a mermaid. Just one of them reaches up over the neckline of her shirt, but that part is hidden by Trixie’s long, honey blonde curls.

She’s so lost in thought that Trixie’s voice shocks her when she steps out of the room.

“Katya? I’m ready for you.”

Trixie closes the door when Katya has entered, and the room is now completely silent.

“Ok, here we go. Are you nervous?”

Trixie looks at Katya as she takes a sheet of paper from the printer. Katya can just nod.

“It’s going to be ok, I promise. It’s just us in here, nobody is going to come in and see you or whatever.” She smiles warmly, and Katya tries to return it, but it probably looks like a pained grimace.

Katya takes off her cardigan and hangs it up next to Trixie’s hoodie on a hook on the door. With her hands on the hem of her shirt, she hesitates. Trixie busies herself with her tools, specifically not looking over, and Katya knows she’s just trying to give her space.

“Should I… take everything off? Or…”

“What was the spot again?” Trixie stands up and stares intently at Katya’s body, which makes Katya want to cower away and put her cardigan back on.

She indicates the spot with her hand; under her arm, on her ribcage, at the side of her right breast. When it’s done, it should fit right in her hand.

“You can hold up your shirt, but it might be more comfortable to just take it off and cover yourself with it. Would that be ok?”

Katya feels warm inside at how careful Trixie approaches her, and it relaxes her a little. She nods, and takes off her shirt, and then her bralette, and covers her breasts with her left arm. She stares at herself in the large mirror that’s right next to the door, and lifts her right arm at Trixie’s instruction.

There’s a still moment between them when Trixie looks at the area, and Katya stares at the ceiling, waiting.

“Do you want the tattoo to cover the scar?”

“Can you do that?” Katya’s head comes down and she looks at Trixie.

Trixie pulls up a large standing lamp and directs it toward the area, compelling Katya to cover her body with her shirt. Trixie examines the scar up close, touches it lightly with her fingers, while Katya’s heart races and she breathes slowly in through her nose and out through her mouth.

“Yeah, it looks nicely healed. I don’t think it will be a problem. We might have to touch it up later, but we’ll see how it turns out.”

Katya looks at her, and blinks to sharpen her blurry vision. They stand closer to the mirror to determine the placing of the stencil, and then Trixie takes out two spray bottles.

“I’m just going to clean your skin with some soap now,” Trixie explains. She sprays the moderately warm soapy water on and wipes it off with a piece of kitchen paper.

“This is a lotion that will make the stencil stick. It’s going to be a little cold,” Trixie warns before spraying the next substance onto Katya’s skin.

Katya flinches in spite of the warning. Trixie holds the stencil up to where Katya wants it, and Katya tells her to move it a little like this, and a little like that, until she’s satisfied. Katya closes her eyes while Trixie’s fingers lightly press the paper down.

There’s a calm that comes over Katya when she looks at herself in the mirror with the stenciled linework on her body. The outline of a phoenix covers all of her scar, its wings extending slightly toward the side of her breast and the curve of her back. It’s a little bigger than she had anticipated, but it’s perfect.

“Good?” Trixie asks.

Katya nods and manages to produce a real smile, and gets one in return that is so happy it’s blinding.

“Yay!” Trixie exclaims happily and claps her hands together. “Please lie down here, however you’re most comfortable,” she says and pats the table. The black leather cushions are covered in what looks like saran wrap.

Katya takes off her ankle boots before hopping on the table. She lies down with her back towards Trixie, her stencilled side up to the light. She holds her arm up over her head.

“Like this?” Katya asks.

Trixie plops down on a rolling stool and gets closer while putting on some pink plastic gloves.

“Can you shuffle this way a tiny bit? Yeah, like that. Perfect.”

The room is silent while Trixie sets up her tools and inspects the stencil a little more. She doesn’t say anything, and there are no sounds coming through from the shop. Katya feels awkward, and very naked, and her mind wanders. In any other situation, Katya might not be so bothered by her nakedness. She might _want_ Trixie to see her naked - she’s very pretty. Katya likes the inviting cleavage, and she’s curious to know what the tattoos look like underneath the shirt.

Katya feels her face getting warm with all her confusing thoughts about her tattoo artist that she’s meeting for the first time. There are plenty of pictures on Trixie’s Instagram that show her face while she’s working, or taking selfies with clients. She’s one of those girls with perfect hair, curls always in place, makeup expertly done but not over the top - Katya knew this, she just didn’t know how subjectively attracted she would be.

“So… like I said before, you chose a sensitive area for your first tattoo, but I’m guessing this placement is special, yeah?”  
  
Katya hums a reply.

“I totally get that. I’m going to start now. Give it a minute, and then tell me how you’re doing.”  
  
The tattoo machine starts whirring and Katya holds her breath. A thin coat of petroleum jelly is smeared on her skin first, and then the needle goes in. The first contact feels exactly like she expected; a needle going into her skin, a prick, a biting sting. Then it gets dragged, scratched over the surface, bumping against her rib.

“Breathe,” Trixie says softly, and Katya lets out a long breath that makes her dizzy, and she closes her eyes.

The pain is intense, and Katya’s body is cramped on the table. She tries to focus on her breathing like she learned in yoga - in through the nose for five counts, hold, out through the mouth for seven. The dizziness slowly fades and her ears are ringing with the whirring of the machine. She barely feels Trixie’s gloved fingers on her, how she holds the skin taught, how she blows an errant hair out of the way. All she feels is the pain radiating through her side, hot and pulsating.

“You ok?”

Trixie takes the needle off of Katya’s skin and looks at her.

“Try to relax a little. If you’re so stiff all the time, you’re going to get a muscle ache!”

Trixie smiles and winks at Katya, then takes more ink. Everytime she moves to a new area, she swipes on some jelly with her gloved finger, and it tickles Katya every time. After almost half an hour of silence, where Katya feels like she might be slipping in some kind of trance, Trixie speaks softly.

“I was really glad you picked this one. It was my favorite as well.”

“You pick favorites out of your own designs?”

Trixie chuckles. “I do. I always draw different styles to see what the client likes, but I have my preferences. I like that you picked the colored one. It’s going to be so vibrant and beautiful.”

Katya thinks for a moment, trying not to flinch when Trixie puts the needle on a new area. She takes a deep breath before she speaks.

“I liked all of them, but I felt the black ones were… too dark. I wanted something colorful, positive, or something.”

“Oh yeah, I get that.”

Trixie works in silence again for a while, until the next question comes up. Katya can’t see her as she’s facing the wall, but she feels like Trixie is examining her face.

“Can I ask why you chose this design and the spot?”

“It’s… kinda personal.”

“Ok.”

The machine whirrs and Katya’s side is throbbing, but now her mind is also bothered. Trixie’s question isn’t unexpected, and Katya feels obligated to answer. She’s probably going to get this question again, if anyone ever sees the tattoo.

“The scar is from a stab wound. The blade punctured my lung, and I nearly died. So the phoenix… is because I didn’t.”

The machine whirrs into thin air when Trixie takes it off of Katya’s skin, and then she turns it off completely. Katya turns her head to look over her shoulder at Trixie’s stricken face.

“Wow. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” Katya turns her face back to the wall, and she feels cold suddenly.

“You don’t have to tell me, I’m sorry,” Trixie says, gently touching Katya’s side with her gloved hand.

“It’s ok.”

Trixie resumes her work, and after about an hour and a half, they take a short break. Trixie brings drinks into the room and Katya gets to sit up and stretch out her legs.

“I’m so cramped, you were right,” Katya says with a smile and an eye-roll.

“Told you,” Trixie says, but her smile is sweet. “Most people tend to cramp when they feel the pain, I guess it’s a natural response. But you’ve been doing very well.”

They sip from their mugs for a moment, Katya’s has tea and Trixie’s coffee. The fresh brew smells good, but Katya is hyped up enough as it is.

“How long have you been doing this?” Katya asks.

“Uhm, I started right out of high school, so I guess… twelve years? Oh god. I’m turning thirty next year.”

Trixie’s body sags forward and she buries her head in her hands, and Katya chuckles.

“Hey, it’s not that bad. I’m an old person, too. I’m still alive.”

Trixie looks up and smiles.

“Oh crap, are you over thirty? I’m sorry!” They both laugh and Trixie shakes her head. “I can’t guess your age, tell me.”

“I’m thirty-six,” Katya says with a shrug.

“Really? You don’t look it!” Trixie leans forward and stares intently at Katya’s face, making her chuckle uncomfortably.

“I don’t really care, some days I feel fifteen, some days I feel… eighty-three.”

Trixie’s expression turns stern and she holds up a hand.

“Dude, honestly.”

Trixie sets down her mug and takes the needle out of her tattoo machine, then goes to the sink to clean it so she can use a different color. They resume the tattooing, and Katya is still in pain, but not as nervous and anxious as before. She feels good around Trixie.

It’s not easy for Katya to meet and talk to strangers, especially if she’s not in familiar surroundings. Her dad had offered to join her, but he’s so squeamish she worried he’d faint at the slightest drop of blood - and there _is_ blood, Katya saw it on the tissue Trixie uses to wipe the tattoo every now and then. She also wouldn’t be comfortable undressing in front of her dad, for no other reason than that she’s only been naked in front of doctors since she got stabbed.

The atmosphere in the room is pleasant, and when Trixie puts on some music later, they talk about their tastes in music and art, what concerts they’ve been to, and stereotypes in Trixie’s work field.

“People always assume that I’m… goth, or emo, or a metalhead, or whatever they equate to tattoos in their mind. Like, people who like country, folk and pop can’t have tats. I stopped caring when I got older, but it’s still annoying.”

“They just _need_ to put you in a box, right? As if their brain can’t process anything if there’s no box for it,” Katya says.

“Exactly. I wanna speak up but… I just get tired.” Trixie sighs and Katya feels her warm breath on her skin.

When the tattoo is done, more than five hours have gone by and Katya’s body is cramped. Her left arm is half sleeping from putting her weight on it, and her hair is stuck to the side of her face as if she’s taken a nap. But when Trixie puts cooling ointment over the tattoo, Katya feels good. She feels like she’s taken a big step towards leaving her painful past behind her.

Trixie shows her to the mirror before she puts some saran wrap over the tattoo, and Katya’s smile says it all.

“Oh my god. This is… it feels so good!”

“I’m so happy you like it!”

Katya carefully puts her clothes back on and follows Trixie to the register where she pays with her credit card.

“Here’s a little leaflet we give everyone, it’s about the healing process. I’ll give you my number, so if you have any questions, you can call or text me anytime, ok?”  
  
Trixie takes a marker and writes her name and number on the leaflet, and waves as Katya leaves. Katya takes one last look at the pretty blonde, and she thinks she might want another tattoo at some point. Maybe because she likes it, maybe because Trixie is so nice.

*

Trixie Mattel is not someone who easily depends on others. She’s had to take care of herself since she was a teenager, and later on she became a business owner, an employer, and an independent home owner. She knows she’s got it made in all the practical areas, there’s just one where she’s lacking: people. She has issues dealing with people and asking them for help, even when they are close friends. As it stands now, Trixie has one close friend she depends on, and she’s out of town.

_Amy: Babe you need to get that mucus stuff and the nose inhaler thingie! Walgreens!_

_Trixie: can’t move, feel so crappy_

_A: fever?_

_T: yeah_

_A: Well call someone. Blair?_

_T: It’s her day off!_

_A: wait don’t tell me you’re working?!_

_T: No I canceled everything. Brent is there._

_A: Ask him then!_

Trixie sighs. She’s huddled up in a pile of blankets and pillows on her couch, where she’s been since the previous night, and she can’t move. She’s shivering, her whole body is covered in cold sweat and she feels like she has already died. But she still can’t get herself to ask anyone but Amy to go to the pharmacy for her. She’s going to have to pull herself off this couch and go out.

A new text comes in, and she rolls her eyes before reading it, knowing it’s more good advice from her friend.

_Katya: Hey I have a question. If you got time._

Trixie’s brain halts in confusion that the text is not what she expected - she feels like her head is filled with cotton wool instead of brains. It’s been over a week since Katya was at the shop, and Trixie hasn’t forgotten about the petite blonde. She exuded a type of energy that Trixie likes to be around, something strong, experienced women have. Something that makes them very badass, but vulnerable at the same time.

_T: Of course! I’m home with the flu :(_

_K: Oh no!! I’m so sorry. It can wait, just let me know when you feel better!_

_T: No just ask! I’m extremely bored. Maybe not 100% lucid :/_

_K: OK I’ll keep that in mind ;) I was just wondering if I can shave my armpit. The tat doesn’t go up that high but…_

Trixie smiles at her phone screen, even though her face hurts - everything hurts - and lies back down on her pillow while typing. The two cats who have burrowed themselves into her blanket mountain shuffle a little to adjust to her new position, and then go back to sleep.

_T: If you think the razor is going to hit that area you should wait till it’s fully healed. 2-3 weeks i’d say_

_K: yes ok I think that’s best, I’m clumsy. Bound to cut myself_

_T: lol be careful then_

_K: I will, thanks ;) So you got the flu? Not working?_

_T: Nah had to cancel. I can barely move._

_K: That sucks ugh. Do you have some meds?_

_T: already took all my Tylenol :(_

_K: Do you have ginger and honey?_

_T: No… what does that do?_

_K: Ginger helps with flu. Also elderflower, peppermint and yarrow. Make tea, drink, feel better :P_

_T: Wait are you a witch…_

_K: maybe._

Trixie giggles, which brings on a heavy couch and makes her head feel like it’s going to explode, and she takes a little sip from the bottle of water that’s on the table.

_T: Well just magically make me better. I’m dying and I don’t have any of those things._

_K: I can bring you some?_

Trixie’s eyes widen and she gasps and coughs. This person, this practical stranger, _a witch_ , offers her help. And she actually feels very tempted to take it, but she knows she can’t. She’s not even considering it, but the offer touches her.

_T: No don’t be silly. I’ll be ok._

_K: I’ll be out of work in an hour, I can get you some stuff and come over. Where do you live?_

_T: That’s very nice but I don’t live close to the city_

At this point, Trixie is close to tears. This always happens when someone is trying to be nice, and she’s saying no to their offers, or when she’s canceling something that she didn’t want to do in the first place. She has a big issue with this, and she’s not sure why or what it is. It’s just… painful.

_K: Hey I work in an actual pharmacy. I have everything you need right here. No biggie. Text me your address._

Trixie stares at the screen, fingers hovering over the buttons. She can just stop replying. Katya doesn’t have her address yet.

_K: I get that it’s hard accepting help from an almost-stranger. But I don’t want you to be miserable when I can help._

Trixie chuckles on a sob and wipes away the frustrating tears that appear because she has no strength to fight them. This woman must really be a witch, but she buckles and tells her the address.

Katya arrives at Trixie’s door nearly two hours later. Trixie used that time to take a shower, even though she was barely able to hold herself up under the stream of hot water, and she’s brushed her teeth and fed the cats. Her hair is a tangled, wet mess on her head, but at least she smells better - not that she can smell anything - and she’s wearing clean clothes.

Katya has a crooked, slightly awkward smile on her face when Trixie opens the door, and Trixie is pleased to see that she’s not the only one feeling weird.

“Hi. Are we still in Boston?” Katya says by way of greeting as she passes Trixie to step into the living room.

Trixie chuckles and coughs, and leads the way.

The original living room is pretty small, but Trixie doesn’t actually use it that much. It used to be her home tattoo studio, now it’s storage. Katya follows her to the back of the house, where the original dining room has an expansion into the garden. It has a glass roof and is decorated as a living room and bedroom at once, and it’s beautiful. Katya feels like she’s walking into an issue of Better Home & Gardens.

There are several blankets on the couch and dishes on the coffee table, and Katya puts down a small plastic bag.

“Ok, here’s your tea, drink it while it’s hot.”  
  
Katya hands Trixie a large paper cup with a lid. Trixie doesn’t ask how she got it and how it’s still warm, but takes off the lid and smells, then wrinkles her nose.

“What’s in here?”

“Lots of good things.” Katya waves her hand, urging her to drink.

Trixie takes a tentative sip, and then relaxes. It’s not bad. A little spicy and sweet, and lots of flavors she can’t define because her taste buds are numbed by the fever. She sits down on the couch with a long sigh. Katya takes a few little boxes, bottles and a plastic container out of the bag.

“Mucus relief, vitamin C, painkillers, and a multivitamin. And this is dinner.”

“Wow,” is all Trixie can say.

She feels uncomfortably emotional at this display of kindness, and she doesn’t know what to say. Katya carefully sits down on the edge of the couch, but doesn’t take off her coat or scarf.

“Just take it all, go to bed, and again tomorrow.”

She has a pleasant smile, and kind blue eyes, but she seems guarded. Trixie can relate, and she’s a little overwhelmed.

“Thank you.” Trixie’s voice breaks when she says it, and then she sobs. “Sorry,” she says before Katya can respond.

Katya’s first instinct is to comfort Trixie, but she’s unsure. She used to be a touchy-feely person, but too much shit happened, and now she’s much more aware of such boundaries. The old Katya would have already tried to flirt with Trixie at the tattoo shop, and now she would’ve pulled her close to her chest and wipe away her tears.

Now Katya just extends a hand and squeezes Trixie’s arm.

“It’s ok, honey. Take care of yourself. Let me know if you need anything.” Katya squeezes again. “Promise you’ll ask?”

Trixie nods, smiling through her tears, feeling like an idiot, but also appreciating the gesture. She watches as Katya gets up, waves, and leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this story for a while and I have some chapters ready. BUT in November katyahzamo & I and some other writers will be doing a writing challenge that we call #TRIXYAWRIMO where we'll use 30+ writing prompts to write one story / scene / one shot / chapter every day of November! If you want to send prompts or join as a writer, follow us on Tumblr! (katyahzamo & chantiemaya)


	2. Dragonfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie's roommate puts her on the spot about Katya. Katya meets a ghost from the past and could really use a friend to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the lovely comments to chapter 1 <3 Check [here](https://chantiemaya.tumblr.com/post/178945084195/this-is-kinda-what-i-imagine-them-to-look-like-in) to see what they look like in my mind.  
> I'm doing a writing challenge in November, which started on Tumblr with [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/). We will write and upload something every day for the whole month. If you have any requests or ideas, please send us writing prompts! Follow us on Tumblr or leave a prompt in the comments. If you're a writer and you wanna join, check out the #trixyawrimo on Tumblr to find a list of prompts posted next weekend!
> 
> **ALSO** for those who remember, I'm still doing Katya's fanbook and I also wanna do one for Trixie! Anyone interested? Please keep it in mind, I will start early next year. If you already want to send me something, use my nickname at gmail to send it to me.
> 
> XO

_K: How is my patient feeling?_

It’s the day after Trixie accepted Katya’s helped and cried in front of her. She was shaken up after Katya left, but the tea and medicine helped; she slept like a baby for 12 hours and woke up feeling a bit more human again.

_T: Much better, thank you. And dinner was so good! You’re a saint._

_K: I liked witch better ;)_

_T: Ok [thumbs up emoji] I like witches too_

_K: Haha good. I’m on my break. Been looking at my phoenix. It’s really pretty._

_T: I’m so glad you like it. I’m drawing a new tat for myself now_

Trixie snaps a pic with her phone, capturing the drawing pad on her lap.

_K: Oooh that’s beautiful! What sort of animal is it?_

_T: A dragonfly. not sure if I just want black or color so I’m just messing around_

_K: This drawing looks perfect to me, I love these colors. Where’s it gonna go?_

_T: lol I think my ass_

Katya, sitting in the lunchroom at work, smiles and bites her lip.

_K: …. [scared emoji]_

_T: Well I don’t have much space left!!_

Trixie, on her couch in comfy clothes, giggles and her cheeks warm up. She’s not a flirty person, but she likes Katya, and she feels like she could say anything and there wouldn’t be a bad response. She doesn’t feel a strong need to edit herself because she’s talking to a client.

_K: where does a tattoo artist go to get a tattoo?_

_T: good friends whose work I admire. Just have to wait til she has time._

Katya looks at the clock and then at her phone, scrolls through their messages a little and chews on her bottom lip. She’d like to hang out with Trixie, but doesn’t know how to say it. She’s been around the same small circle of people for a few years, and she’d like to expand it, but it’s been a struggle.

_K: Yeah makes sense. I gotta go back to work. But I might ask you to put some more of your art on my body sometime :)_

_T: Oh anytime!_

Just like that, the conversation is over and both women go back to their day. Katya works the counter at the pharmacy, and in the evening teaches yoga at the community center. She works as much as she can, and every dollar she earns has a purpose. Even if she would dare to ask Trixie to hang out, there’s not much that she has to offer - she can’t afford to take a girl out, go to a movie, pay for dinner. Even if they’d split dinner, Katya would feel bad spending her money on luxury while there’s a huge debt waiting for her - and who is she kidding, she can’t afford another tattoo, either.

Trixie takes it easy for the rest of the day, giving her body all the rest it needs before going back to work. She has a very busy schedule ahead to catch up on all the missed appointments. As the week goes by, Katya is lingering on her brain. She wants to talk to her again, wants to know more, wants to ask her where the scar comes from. It’s not usual for Trixie, and she’s not sure why, but she wants to befriend Katya.

After one of her yoga classes, a woman lingers in the room. Katya’s heartbeat elevates a little - she knows what’s going on and what’s going to happen, because it isn’t the first time. She decides to just go in head first.

“Hey Sasha, did you have a good class? Was there anything you wanted to talk about?”  
  
Sasha looks around at the people who are still in the room, rolling up their mats, putting on sweaters and shoes and talking amongst themselves. She’s a stunning woman with a striking bald head and strong, flawless make-up.

“Oh, I don’t know, I just…” She always talks softly.

Katya knows what’s bothering her - they’ve done this before. She nods her head to the back of the room, where a corner is being used for storage. She also speaks softly.

“Tell me,” Katya says.

Sasha wrings her hands and breathes a nervous laugh.

“I just… I thought, maybe you’d changed your mind. I mean, about me, about…”

Katya puts a hand on Sasha’s to stop her from fidgeting.

“I haven’t. I don’t want to date.”

Sasha’s face falls, Katya sees the light in her eyes flicker and die, and it makes her heart heavy.

“Ok.”

“And it has nothing to do with you. You’re beautiful, ok?” Katya says, squeezing Sasha’s hands.

“Not because I’m trans?” She whispers the words.

“No!” Katya whisper-screams. “Absolutely not! You should never accept that as an excuse, some people are just assholes. You’re a beautiful woman.”

Sasha smiles, and it’s sad, but it’s hopeful. She takes Katya’s hand in both of hers and laces their fingers together.

“Ty khoroshiy chelovek, Yekaterina. Bud' schastliv.” [you’re a good person, be happy]

With those words, Sasha kisses Katya on the cheek and leaves. Katya understands the words, but her knowledge of her parent’s language isn’t enough to reply, and that’s ok. She’s left with mixed feelings; Sasha is beautiful, and very sweet and interesting. It’s just that Katya has installed a non-dating policy since her last relationship exploded into a mess of drama and aggression, and she’s still too insecure to change it. It doesn’t feel good to agree to a date when she still feels an aversion to intimacy and an inability to trust anyone.

_But Trixie._

Katya runs her hands over her lightly sweaty face and sighs as she hears the next group come in. Teaching two classes, three nights a week, and one on Saturday and one on Sunday isn’t easy. She feels physically exhausted and incapable of dealing with any issues that demand her to _think._ She just wants to live a normal, boring life with as little excitement as possible.

On the other side of town, Trixie is very happy. Her best friend is back from her trip and they spend the evening catching up with wine, snacks and a lot of cuddling on the couch. Amy rents the top floor of Trixie’s house, and that’s the only reason she can afford it. Amy’s online beauty store has been doing well enough for her to move out and find a place of her own, but they like to be close to each other and always have someone around. They share two cats, one ginger, one black, and basically live like a married couple - platonic, that is.

“I wish I would’ve taken a picture of the phoenix, it turned out so beautifully,” Trixie says after describing Katya and her tattoo.

“She follows you on insta, right? Maybe she posted it?”

“Oh, wait! You genius!” Trixie digs under their shared blanket for her phone and opens Instagram.

Trixie opens their conversation from a while ago and clicks to Katya’s profile, which for some reason is called ‘Katie_Boston’. Trixie wonders if it’s always been called that, but she can’t remember. They made their appointment via e-mail, and that had her real name on it.

There are no pictures of Katya’s face on her Instagram, actually, there are barely any pictures at all. The last one is of a beautiful, long-haired German Shepherd looking up expectantly, probably waiting for a treat or a ball, with a park in the background. It was taken in the fall, and it was uploaded almost a year ago.

“Nah, she didn’t post it. She doesn't seem to post anything… too bad.”

“Trix…”

“Hmm.”

Trixie scrolls through Katya’s other pictures; beautiful snaps of Boston, mostly in the old neighborhoods on the other side of town, and a few from the skyline and the river. One of a shadow on a grassy field, Katya’s shadow waving at the camera.

“Do you like this girl?”

“Yeah, she’s really nice. Easy to talk to.”  
  
“And she brought you medicine and dinner.”  
  
Trixie chuckles. “Yeah. That was awkward, but I had no choice. I was so miserable.”

Trixie sighs and lays her head down on Amy’s shoulder.

“Do you _like like_ her?”

Trixie looks up and frowns. “No!”

“Sure?”

“Ames, come on,” Trixie rolls her eyes and sinks back down, pulling the blanket closer around her.

She stares at the TV, where they are watching all of _Brooklyn 99_ for the umpteenth time while waiting for new episodes. It’s where ‘Ames’ comes from.

“Come on, what? Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you can’t like someone,” Amy says matter-of-factly, shrugging so that Trixie’s head bobs up and down.

Trixie’s cheeks feel warm and she doesn’t know how to react. She feels put on the spot, which shouldn’t happen with her best friend. She sits up again.

“Why are you saying this?”

Amy looks back at her, and straightens up as well.

“Because I thought you sounded like… you like her.”

“But why would you bring that up when you know I don’t want to date someone?” Trixie knows she sounds harsh, but she can’t take it back now. Amy looks calm and stares right back at her.

“I’m not saying you should marry her next week, just… you can hang out? Get to know her better? Have more than one friend in your life?” Amy winks and bumps her shoulder against Trixie’s.

“I’m not good with people.”

“Oh, bullshit. You work with people all day, every day, and everybody loves you. You have to let that shit go, babe. You just don’t wanna hang out with this girl because you like her, and you worry that if she knows you like her, she’s gonna like you back and she’s gonna want to have sex with you and you don’t want to reject her.”

Amy rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. Her face is stern.

“Since when are you my shrink?”

“Since you turned twenty-one.”

Both of them smile because it’s true. Trixie lets out a frustrated groan.

“It’s painful to reject someone.”

Amy huffs. “Tell me about it. Try rejecting a guy some time.”

“Ew. Gross,” Trixie pulls a face and Amy laughs.

“But seriously, there has to be someone who can respect your wishes. Right? Someone who can do without sex, or… I don’t know, different kinds of intimacy.” Amy talks with her hands when she’s unsure, and she’s waving them around in front of her now.

“If I would meet someone who feels the way I do, _maybe_. But everyone always wants to bang. The whole world is always going on about it, society is pushing it onto us from all angles, so…”

Trixie raises her hands and shakes her head.

“So you’re giving up?”  
  
“I already have. I’m too busy to sit around and feel sorry for myself that no one wants to be in a sexless relationship with me. It’s fine, I don’t care,” Trixie says, exasperated. When Amy frowns, she continues, “Babe, I really don’t give a crap. That’s literally my sexuality.”

“I know that,” Amy says, grabbing Trixie’s hand turning towards her to be closer to her. “I know you don’t care about the physical stuff, and you don’t have to tell me any details. If you need cuddles, I’m here.”

They continue to watch their favorite show until it’s time for bed, where Trixie stares at the dark ceiling for a while. Both cats have decided to pick Amy’s bed for the night, so Trixie is alone. Just how she likes it. Or does she? Amy’s questioning and Katya being so nice to her is all a little confusing. She can’t deny that she felt like she didn’t want to stop texting Katya the other day, but what does that mean?

_T: PS i dont wanna date anyone who isn’t like me cos I worry they’ll dump me or just fuck other girls :(_

_A: Awwwww babe! I THINK there could be someone out there but don’t feel like you have to! I’m sorry I was pushy :( [kiss face emoji]_

_T: No it’s ok. I just can’t say out loud that I do sometimes feel alone because it makes me sad…_

_A: :(_

_A: Think about being friends with Katya. Just that. She might be straight anyway._

Trixie smiles at that. She might be… but Trixie thinks not.

 

*

 

After about a month, Katya’s tattoo looks fully healed. The colors are bright and beautiful, and she sometimes wishes it was in a more visible spot so she could show it off. She might get another one, just for fun instead of remembering something painful. After seeing Trixie’s drawing of a dragonfly, Katya read on Google that _“The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self-realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.”_ Katya isn’t sure if she has reached emotional maturity, or if she understands the deeper meaning of life, or if she has left all her old demons behind. The fact that she’s still afraid of dating someone indicates that she hasn’t, and it bothers her.

Early on a Friday morning, Katya’s boss is busy completing client paperwork in his office, and Katya is restocking shelves in the store. She only unlocked the doors a few minutes ago and is opening the first box of supplies when the bell above the door dings and a customer walks in. Katya places the box down, glances from the corner of her eye and sees the person walking to the counter, so she heads over to help them.

It’s an unexpected and unwelcome confrontation with the past when she sees the customer, and she instantly freezes in place, her hands turning cold and clammy.

The other person doesn’t seem to be in any better shape than Katya, looking pale and wide-eyed.

“Oh…”

“Violet…” Katya whispers.

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t know…” Violet stammers.

Katya’s mouth is completely dry, and she clears her throat before she speaks.

“How can I help you?”

“Eh… I need… I need a refill for my inhaler.”

“Ok. Do you use Asthmanefrin or a prescription?”

“Asthmanefrin is fine, I don’t have my prescription. I’m just in town to visit friends.”

Katya nods and turns to the shelves behind her, opens one of the doors with a key on her keychain, which is attached to a loop on her jeans. Her movements are clumsy and she sees her hand shake when she reaches into the cabinet to get the box.

“Will that be all?”

“Katya…” Violet leans against the counter and stares at her intently. “I really didn’t even know you moved here.”  
  
“I understand, it’s ok.”  
  
“You look good.”

Katya tries to smile, and so does Violet. The women never had any issues between them, even though Katya stood opposite Violet’s sister in court. It’s been a while, but not long enough, because Katya’s heart is nearly beating out of her chest and her periphery is blurry, indicating a panic attack.

Just then, Katya’s boss comes into the store and greets the customer with a friendly smile. He joins Katya behind the counter and shuffles around in one of the drawers.

“Will that be all?” Katya asks again.

“Yes, thank you.”

Katya rings up the medicine and Violet pays with her card.

She’s gone quickly, and Katya excuses herself to use the bathroom, where she takes off her sweater and opens her jeans and dabs cold water on her face. When she stares at her image in the mirror, with mascara stains on her cheeks and her hair a mess, she sighs. She should probably go back to her therapist, but it’s so damn expensive.

 

*

 

Trixie’s phone beeps with several messages while she drives home from the shop, and she fumbles to read the messages and open the door at the same time.

_A: when are you gonna be home, loser? I’m hungry!_

“Honey, I’m home!” Trixie yells through the house when she steps inside. Amy’s voice greets her from the kitchen, and a delicious smell leads Trixie to the source: lasagne.

_K: Hey idk if this is weird or anything, but would you like to hang out sometime?_

_K: I don’t know a lot of ppl in Boston_

_K: I know I’m your client so if it’s weird just say no_

_K: I just thought we had a nice talk. Let me know if you’d be ok with that_

Trixie freezes in the middle of the kitchen while Amy talks to her. She stares at her phone for a good minute, reading those sentences several times.

“Hello? Earth to Trixie?”

“Yes! Yeah, what?” Trixie locks her phone and sinks down in a chair.

“I said, you’re so late I thought I was gonna burn this thing!” Amy says as she puts the lasagne down on the table.

Trixie’s phone dings again.

_K: I mean just as friends! Shit I don’t even know if you like women but I do but I’m not asking that!_

_K: sorry this is so awkward_

Trixie makes a weird noise, something between a giggle and a painful keening, and Amy then finally snatches the phone from her hand.

“No!” Trixie yells and jumps up from her chair, reaching for the phone.

“Oh? Secrets in here?” Amy pretends to look at the phone, but Trixie’s face is so stricken that she doesn’t read anything. She locks it and puts it face down on the table.

“You need to eat, damnit. It’s nearly eight, what the hell!”

When Amy turns around to get a salad from the fridge, Trixie grabs her phone and quickly types a reply.

_T: totally ok, busy now, talk later!!_

“I was working on an insane back piece but this guy couldn’t deal with the pain so we had to stop a few times. But I would’ve run late anyway, traffic was crazy.” Trixie tries to sound as calm as possible while talking and arranging the plates and cutlery Amy had already laid out on the table.

Dinner goes by without a hitch, Amy doesn’t ask why Trixie was so obsessed with her phone, and when Trixie cleans up, Amy goes upstairs to do some work - which Trixie doesn’t really believe, but she’s grateful her friend knows when to give her space.

After cleaning up faster than she ever has, Trixie takes a can of soda and curls up on the couch to open her phone and read Katya’s messages again.

_T: Sorry about that short reply, my friend threatened to steal my phone if I kept looking at it. Yes I would hang out, sounds great. I am in fact A Dyke but I am not interested in dating._

_K: Thank god to all of that. No dates for me either, just girl talk._

_T: Yes, cool!_

_K: you know on dating apps when ppl write: DTF?_

_T: what is that?_

_K: Down to fuck! I wanna write DTT - Down to talk_

_T: LOL! Gotta admit I’ve never tried an app_

_K: Oh dear! You’re so pure! Don’t do it! It’s rotten :P_

_T: I can only imagine…_

She has no idea how pure I really am, Trixie thinks. She’s happy Katya made it clear that she wasn’t asking for a date, and that she apparently felt as awkward as Trixie would have, but she still feels uncomfortable talking about relationships.

_T: How do you feel about straight rom coms with Meryl Streep in them?_

_K: I feel It’s Complicated._

_T: Ok but do you feel Mamma Mia?_

_K: Here I go again, my my, how can I resist.. that?!_

_T: LOL I got a bunch of dvds and an assortment of beverages & snacks _

_K: Gimme gimme gimme!_

_T: Voulez vous?_

_K: LOL YES. when?_

_T: now? tomorrow night?_

_K: Now is fine I’m just leaving the gym so i look a mess_

_T: My house is a mess. Meryl won’t mind._

_K: ok I’ll be 30 min ish [thumbs up emoji]_

Trixie gets up and stands beside the couch, waving her hands in the air for no other reason than to expel nervous energy. She goes around the house to quickly tidy up a bit and changes her clothes, from what she’s worn all day into a clean pair of jeans and a comfortable sweater. By the time the doorbell rings, the living room is relatively tidy, with snacks on the table and the TV and DVD player ready to go.

They both stand there with awkward smiles, Katya on the doorstep and Trixie inside. Katya is wearing a long cardigan and a scarf and carries a large bag.

“Hello, dyke,” Katya says and holds out her arm for a hug - Trixie accepts it with a chuckle, then steps aside to let Katya pass.

“Did you have a good workout?”

“Yeah, well, I teach yoga, so it was work. And now I’m exhausted.”

Katya stands in the living room and looks around.

“You lied. It’s not messy at all.”  
  
“Oh, well, you gave me a little time to tidy up! What can I get you?”

“Ehhh… what are you having? Are we drinking?”

Katya drops her bag beside the couch and flops down on it, arranging the pillows to make herself comfortable.

“I think I’m gonna have a beer. But I have wine too, if you like? Or something else?”  
  
“A beer sounds really good, actually.”

Trixie nods and heads to the kitchen to get the beers. While there, she texts Amy to let her know she has company. When she comes back, Katya has taken off her shoes and sits cross-legged on the couch.

“Is this ok?” Katya asks, pointing at her position.

“Absolutely. There are blankets here if you get cold,” Trixie says, patting the back of the couch.

They open their beers and take a sip, and both let out a little sigh, to which they then both giggle. Trixie feels nervous about hanging out with someone she doesn’t know that well, but at the same time, her gut tells her that Katya is good people.

“I’m sorry my texts were so awkward and out of the blue,” Katya says, then pauses while she studies the beer can in her hand.

“Actually, they were perfect,” Trixie says.

Katya looks up to see Trixie’s head cocked to the side and a cute smile on her face.

“I am a certified awkward person when it comes to making new friends. That’s why I basically just have one friend, or I hang out with my employees and business partners.” Trixie throws up a hand like she’s over it, and rolls her eyes comically, making Katya grin.

“My boss is an old guy and my only colleagues are his wife and some teenager who doesn’t talk to anyone.”  
  
“Ah yes, a diverse social circle.”

“Exactly. But I didn’t expect you to be… a loner? Or are you just busy?”

Trixie takes a sip to think about that.

“I guess I’m a bit of a loner, but I wasn’t when I was younger. It’s just… work, and life? I run a business, that’s the only thing I do. Everything else is a bonus.”

“Oh yeah, I feel you. I have two jobs, the only people I see are colleagues, clients and my parents.”

“No siblings?”

“Yeah, a brother and a sister, but both live in New York City. I’m the only one who moved back. It’s not easy to stay connected, their lives are so different. They are married, have kids. I’m the crazy single auntie.”

Trixie laughs at that, and Katya makes a funny face.

“I’ll do you one better; I don’t have any family.”

“What? Nobody?” Katya looks shocked.

“Not a soul. Broken home, run-away daddy, no siblings and my mother died when I was seventeen.”

The room is silent for a moment, and Trixie realises she dropped that info like a bomb.

“I’m so sorry,” Katya says softly.

“Ah shit, no, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say it like that. I mean, it’s ok. I’m ok. I’m not moping around the house all day feeling sorry for myself.”

“But what did you do at seventeen? Where did you go?”

Trixie takes a deep breath, puffs out her cheeks and lets air out slowly.

“You really wanna know? It’s a long story. Meryl is waiting.” She points at the TV where the screensaver to the DVD player has been showing while they were talking.

“Only if you want to tell me! I totally understand if you don’t wanna talk about it.” Katya holds up a hand.

“We need some more beer for this,” Trixie says.

She gets up and holds out a hand while Katya throws back the last of her beer. Katya watches Trixie walk away with a smile on her face. She’s such a sweet girl, easy to talk to, honest and open, and a little sassy when she wants to be. She’s proud of herself for taking the step to text her, even though she was at her wits end after the horrible start of the day, and then finishing yoga and feeling dread at the thought of going home. Going home means being alone in that cold, dead apartment, with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Yes, she often prefers it that way, but it’s been so long since she’s felt any sort of connection with another human. She ran away from it for a long time, but now, it feels good. She feels safe.


	3. Mamma Mia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie and Katya both love Meryl Streep and Mamma Mia, and explore their friendship a little more by talking about their past. Katya feels good enough around Trixie to explain where her scar came from and introduces Trixie to her other best friend, Rosie.

“So, when that girl said I could crash on her couch, I just did it. Took two bags, took a bus, never looked back.”

Trixie concludes the story of how she went into foster care at seventeen when her mother died in a car accident. Her mother was an alcoholic, often out at night, and always driving home drunk. Trixie had been asleep in the back seat because her mom dragged her along everywhere she went, and she’d gotten away with two fractured ribs and a lot of bruises. The foster system was a nightmare, but she made it through quite well and left the home of her foster family as soon as she turned eighteen. The foster system leaves a lot of room for scammers - people taking in kids just for the benefits they get paid by the state - and Trixie ended up in one of those homes. She shared a room with two other girls, with a total of seven kids in one home.

“Is that when you started tattooing?” Katya asks, opening a new can of beer that she got from the fridge at Trixie’s instructions.

“Yes! I hung out with Wendy and her friends, they all had tattoos, and I was fascinated by them. They were a bunch of grunge or goths or whatever it’s called now, and I was this blonde Barbie dressed in pink, looking like a fourteen-year-old.”

Trixie pulls the sleeve on her left arm all the way up to the hollow of her elbow and touches a tattoo that has faded from black to a dark grey, olive green tone. It says _freedom_ in simple, cursive lettering, the top of the M shaped like a bird flying away. Katya leans in to take a closer look, lightly touching the skin with her index finger.

“That’s perfect,” Katya says softly, then looks up. “I was so sheltered as a kid, I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through.”

“For my situation, I’ve been lucky. The group I hung out with was cool, nobody had bad intentions. I stayed on her couch for a year, before I had saved enough money to rent a room somewhere. I was just happy to no longer be in Milwaukee and free from the system.”

“And there was no family that came looking for you?”

“Nah. My mom had stopped talking to my aunt and grandma when I was a kid, and I never knew my dad.” Trixie shrugs and takes another sip of her beer. “I turned out alright,” she adds with a smile to lighten the mood - she doesn’t want to see Katya look sad.

They’ve been talking for a while, long enough to make the TV turn itself into standby mode, and they’ve gone through a whole six pack. Trixie offers Katya some potato chips and they both crunch in thought.

“When I was eighteen, I moved to New York City for college, just like my older brother.”

“Oh that’s so cool! What did you major in?”

Katya’s face turns to a grimace.

“Nothing. I dropped out after a year and a half. I was supposed to do classical and modern dance, but I buckled under the pressure and developed an eating disorder.”

Katya rolls her eyes at this and waves her hands while she clarifies.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t that bad, I mean… it didn’t last long. It was more a cry for help than anything else. I left Juilliard, moved in with my brother, and worked in retail.”

“You went to fucking Juilliard?”

“I did. My parents were actually able to put all three of us through school. I was a bit of a prodigy as a kid, but that was when it was all still fun for me. When it came to being judged and critiqued, not so much fun.” Katya moves her hands up and down like a scale.

“So yeah, I was an uneducated, anxiety-ridden, depressed young person with no goals and nowhere to go.”

_Until I met her._

Katya doesn’t say it out loud, but it’s there, right there beneath her grasp. She worries it’s too much to tell Trixie all of that. Too much for Trixie to hear, or too much for Katya to tell, or both.

“Well, same,” Trixie says. “And now I’m an uneducated, anxiety-ridden adult with no social life, who’s drunk after three beers!”

Trixie cheers to her last words and raises her hands in the air, making them both laugh.

It’s getting close to midnight when they finally start the movie, and they enjoy it a lot. Trixie knows it so well that she can talk along with some scenes, and they both know all the lyrics. By the time Meryl Streep sings _The Winner Takes It All_ at Pierce Brosnan, the girls have sobered up and are drinking soda and eating the last bit of the chips.

Trixie sits up on her knees op the couch, arms open wide while she sings at the screen, and Katya joins her. She’s thrown a blanket over herself like the scarf Meryl wears in the movie.

“I don’t wanna talk, ‘cos it makes me feel sad,” Trixie sings. She notices that she’s the only one singing now, and Katya sags down onto the couch.

While Meryl finishes the grand finale of the song and runs up the cliffs, Katya’s emotions have taken over and she wipes her eyes, trying to hide her little sobs. Trixie turns down the volume and sits close to her.

“Hey, what is it?” Trixie wraps her arm around Katya’s shoulders, and Katya recoils a little. Trixie instantly lets go of her.

Katya rubs her hands over her face and sniffs, sighs, then chuckles.

“I’m sorry, this song just gets to me.” She tries to smile through her obvious pain and Trixie feels like it’s a stab to her stomach.

“That’s ok, it’s a heart-wrenching song. Only to think that Björn wrote this song for Agnetha _after_ their divorce is enough to make me get all emo.”

“What?” Katya laughs. “You’re not even thirty and you know the back story?”  
  
“Oh yes! I love watching documentaries about musicians, did you know Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham wrote their best songs for Fleetwood Mac when they were fighting?”

Katya is laughing through her tears now and she grabs Trixie’s wrist and shakes her head.

“And I am a firm believer that Freddie Mercury was actually bisexual. He really loved his wife and I won’t accept anything else.”

“Oh my god,” Katya gasps.

Both are now giggling and spread out over the couch. After a moment of silence, Katya sits up and looks back at Trixie.

“Thanks,” she says.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“About things I’ve gone through?” Trixie nods with a smile. “Well… not right now. I had a very bad break up, the worst you can imagine. I’ll tell you some other time.”

After the movie ends, Katya goes home.

“This was awesome, we should do it again soon. Thanks for making this day suck a little less,” Katya says when they stand in the hallway.

“Aww, that’s ok, I had a great time.”

They hug, and it’s close, and warm, and real, and Katya already feels a lot of love for this girl.

Katya is one of the few people taking the late night bus to her neighborhood. It takes her a while, but she’s content just leaning her head against the window and watching the dark calm of the suburbs passing by. She feels all warm and happy about the evening, even scolds herself a little for being secluded for so long - not that anyone has come by that she wished she’d hung out with. It just took her this long to meet someone nice. A beautiful girl who is funny and sweet, very open and personable, and upfront about her sexuality and not wanting to date anyone - especially since that last fact immediately took away some of the awkwardness of meeting new female friends.

Katya might like to date someone eventually, but it’s too complicated right now. The way she initially recoiled from Trixie’s arm around her when she cried - that makes her frown when she remembers it. Why did she do that? Trixie is not a predator, and she’s not dangerous. It bothers Katya that her mental trauma responds to things before she can even think them through, and she wants to be more aware of that. Push herself a little. She vows to open up to Trixie next time, especially after she told her story so candidly.

*

_K: Hey whatcha doin?_

_T: closing the shop! you?_

_K: This late?! Do you ever not work?_

_T: sometimes…_

It’s Thursday, and Trixie’s day ran late again, and now it’s already eight when she locks the door to the shop. Katya is right, she works so constantly she might as well sleep there.

_K: I’m walking my dog and we’re going round a cemetery. Ooky Spooky._

_T: What?! You’re there in the dark?!_

_K: well we’re not IN there. Just walking around it._

_T: Is that the dog on your insta? big fluffy_

_K: Yeah :) She’s a long haired German Shepherd [heart emoji]_

_T: awwwww she looked so cute_

_K: cute and fluffy and a real goof, perfect dog. Did you have a good day?_

_T: Actually yes! Long, but I did a lot of awesome work. Spent 6 hrs putting angel wings on a guy’s back_

_K: whoaaaa that sounds amazing! I’ve been thinking about another tat_

_T: omg you’re already addicted_

_K: lol I might be_

_T: Where are you?_

_K: Still at the cemetery :P_

_T: but where_

_K: Harvard_

_T: the old burial ground? That’s super close!_

_K: Come hang out with us!_

It’s barely a ten-minute drive from Trixie’s shop to the grounds of Harvard University, and Katya directs her to the park right next to it. When she parks, Katya stands at the sidewalk with a big pile of fluff next to her. Trixie crouches to greet the dog, who is very interested in sniffing her and sticking its wet nose in her neck.

“She likes you,” Katya says.

Trixie gets up and hugs Katya, and the dog jumps up and puts her paws against Trixie.

“Oh wow, Rosie, you’re getting possessive pretty quick, missy,” Katya says in a scolding tone, pulling the leash to make her go down.

“She’s so beautiful! How old is she?”

“About three-and-a-half. My parents got her when I moved back here.”

They walk into the park and sit on a bench, Rosie jumping up to sit between them, her head resting in Katya’s lap.

“They got Rosie to help me with my anxiety,” Katya says softly, rubbing her fingers through the dog’s fur.

“Did it help?”

“Yes. It was good for me to have a responsibility, and I took her to several training courses, and she learned how to… comfort me when I was in a bad mood. She’s a life saver.”

Trixie smiles and pets Rosie’s back, and the dogs sighs contently having both girls pet and scratch her.

“I said I would tell you about my… break up. It’s… it’s not good.”

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard,” Trixie says, studying Katya’s face closely.

“It feels like a good moment, right now. Not planned, but it’s nice and quiet here, and Rosie is with me. If you even wanna know?”

“You’re my friend. You can tell me anything.”

Katya bites her lip in thought, but smiles and nods.

“Ok, well, I was in an abusive relationship. It ended six years ago, my girlfriend stabbed me and went to prison for it.”

“Oh my god… and you almost died?” Trixie holds her hand over her mouth in shock and unconsciously grabs the dog’s fur a little tighter.

“Yeah, the blade was… it was one of those switchblades with a long, thin blade. She stuck it right between my ribs and nicked my lung. I wasn’t really aware, we were... “ Katya stops, shakes her head and sighs. She needs to clear her throat before she can continue.

Trixie reaches over the dog between them to grab Katya’s hand.

“We were fighting, I was naked, I was… she tried to force me to have sex. I didn’t want to, because I was angry about something else.”

“Honey... “ Trixie’s voice is a whisper.

Katya shakes her head.

“I didn’t know how bad it was until I woke up a while later, there was a whole puddle of blood in the bed and I had trouble breathing. I called an ambulance, but I blacked out and they had to get the police there to force the door. I ended up in intensive care because it all took so long.”

“My god. I’m so sorry. Where did she go?”

“She panicked and ran out, wandered around the city. Her sister kept calling her and convinced her to turn herself in. She got convicted of… assault, I think. When she came out of prison, she started stalking me, and threatening me, and that’s when I moved back with my parents because I was too anxious to be alone. And then we got Rosie.”

Katya leans down to kiss the top of the dog’s head, and Trixie feels the tail gently wagging against her leg.

“She lives with your parents?”  
  
“Yeah, I can’t have pets in my apartment, and I’m almost never home. She’s happy with them,” Katya explains.

“And how is your anxiety now?”

Katya looks up, and her eyes seem to refocus as if she comes back from a memory.

“It’s manageable, but I don’t expose myself to any triggers. Or actually, I don’t expose myself to much of anything. I go to work, I meditate, I do yoga, and I go home.”

“That’s why you don’t want to date,” Trixie says, more to herself than Katya.

“Yeah. It’s just… too much.”

“Listen,” Trixie grabs Katya’s hand again. “This is very random, but I trained to be a youth counselor - for kids, but I’ve seen a lot of anxiety and I know what it’s like. If you ever feel bad or you just wanna talk about it, call me, ok?”

“Seriously?”

“Absolutely. You can call me any time, or text me 911 when you get a panic attack or something. Do you get those?”

Katya sighs and shuffles on the bench. She can’t feel her ass anymore.

“Let’s walk a bit,” she says and gets up.

As they walk around the park, Katya tells Trixie about the nightmares she can’t remember, when she just wakes up in soaking wet sheets. About being afraid of the dark, and being afraid to drive. About paying off the debt of her medical bills, and legally changing her name.

“I grew up as Katherine because that’s what my real name translates to; Yekaterina is basically the same as Katherine. Which of course became Katie or Kat when I was little. So I kept the first name, but took my grandmother’s last name.”

She tells Trixie about meeting Violet, Chloe’s younger sister, and what a shock it was to see her. Trixie listens through all of it and then offers to drive them back to Katya’s parents' house.

“Get in, I’ll drive you home,” Trixie says when Katya has dropped off the dog and spoiled her with treats and cuddles before leaving again.

“What? That’s completely out of your way.”

“I don’t care.” Trixie gets back in the car. She just has a strong urge to spend more time with Katya. Trixie can get very protective over friends who seem vulnerable.

“How did you become a youth counselor?” Katya asks when they are back in the car.

“You’re in South Boston right?”

“Yeah. You know Broadway? Take West Broadway and I’ll tell you where to turn.”

Trixie starts the car as Katya puts her seatbelt on.

“I’ll show you where I became a counselor,” Trixie says. “I think we’re gonna pass it.”

“Ok. You’re absolutely sure you wanna take this detour?” Katya asks one last time.

“Yup.” Trixie nods and smiles at her.

They are silent for a moment, and Katya is amused by Trixie’s determination, but also still feels like an inconvenience.

Just before they reach Katya’s neighborhood, Trixie taps her hand and points out the window.

“See that building? It’s a youth center, and Wendy lived right at the other side of that. When I lived with her and I didn’t have a job, I went there a lot. I kept visiting when I was older, and they asked me to get certified so I could work actual shifts there.”

They pass by an old-looking but colorful building, the very Bostonian wooden slats painted in different colors.

“They put you through school?”  
  
“Sort of. It was a two-year program in community college,” Trixie says with a faint smile. “I enjoyed it, learning something again. Going back to school at twenty-four,” she giggles and shakes her head.

“There’s nothing bad about that!”

“I know, I know. Most people there were older than me. But I did that, and then I could work for them. All voluntary, of course. The state doesn’t like to spend money on struggling youth.”

They drive into Katya’s neighborhood and she gives Trixie directions. Katya lives on a narrow back street off of South Boston’s main road, where the buildings are a bit higher and closer together than in Trixie’s neighborhood. She has to take two wooden stairs that go around the outside of the building to reach her apartment.

“You’re an absolute angel, you know that, right?” Katya says, laying her Boston accent on a little thicker to make Trixie laugh.

Trixie takes Katya’s hand from her lap and holds it.

“No, I just like hanging out with you.”

They hold hands and it’s not even awkward, even though Katya feels like it should be.

“Same,” Katya whispers, and then reaches over to hug Trixie. They squeeze each other tight and laugh.

Katya invites Trixie over for dinner on the weekend and they decide Sunday is probably the best option because of Trixie’s insane schedule. Katya points out her house - two floors up, the top one on the left corner - and then waves as Trixie drives off.


	4. Ladybug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya gets a second tattoo, of course done by Trixie, and the two hang out at Katya's house. Trixie is shocked when she wakes up and finds Katya in the middle of a nightmare
> 
> WARNING: Angst! (nightmare)

“Katya! You’re up!” Trixie yells from her room at the tattoo shop, and Katya enters and closes the door. 

“Hey baby,” Katya says as Trixie jumps up and hugs her tight. 

“So good to see you,” Trixie sighs. 

Their friendship has blossomed over the last couple of months, and when Katya and her parents went to visit New York City last week for Thanksgiving, they had missed their weekly hang out date. Katya has gotten used to the whole friends-thing; talking to another woman, having to explain things sometimes because Trixie’s quick to think she’s done something wrong - just like Katya - complaining about periods, and crying at movies together - especially during those periods.

“Wow, your boots are amazing!” Katya exclaims and drops to a crouch to examine them.

“Yes, I love them so much. I couldn’t resist wearing them today.”

Trixie is usually in all black, with simple sneakers, because she doesn’t want to spill any ink on her good clothes and she can get pretty messy at the end of the day when she has to clean up. But now she’s bought a pair of brand new pink cowboy boots and she couldn’t not wear them.

After Katya has admired the boots, Trixie shows her a couple of drawings she did of ladybugs in various positions. Katya likes the one that shows a twig with a bright green leaf with a little ladybug on it, with a lot of shading to make it look like it’s in 3D. 

“You picked the most colorful one, again,” Trixie says with an approving nod. 

“Yeah. Was it your favorite too?”

“Yes. And I was pretty sure you’d pick this one, so I already drew the stencil,” Trixie says with a knowing smile, taking a piece of paper from her desk. 

Katya tells her where she wants the ladybug: on her left arm, just below the crook of her elbow. Trixie cleans the area and stamps the stencil on.

Katya gets to sit in the chair this time, which is not unlike the ones dentists use, except this one is made of fake purple snakeskin and wrapped in saran wrap. Katya gets a pillow under her arm and she can see Trixie work. It’s the first time she sees Trixie put on glasses - big, round, red frames. 

“Oh my god,” Katya says, and Trixie looks up in question. “You are such a cute nerd with those glasses on!”

“Shut up,” Trixie says with a laugh. 

“I mean it! I’ve never seen you in glasses!”

“I don’t need them for everyday things, just for detailed work or if I’m reading,” Trixie says with a shrug. Katya giggles. 

“What!”

“You don’t like them?”

“Ugh, no.”   
  
“I think they look good on you. Very smart,” Katya says with a nod, and her smile is so big, all of her white teeth are showing.

Trixie huffs a little, but she can’t hide her smile, and Katya stops teasing her. Immediately when Trixie starts the tattoo, Katya can feel that the pain is different. Somehow it seems a little subdued compared to last time, but then again, she’s not as nervous and half-panicked as she was then. Trixie outlines the twig, leaf and ladybug with black ink, fills in the dots on the bug’s back and starts on the shading. All of that took the most of their time, then they took a little break before Trixie started on the colors. 

“How was New York?”   
  
“Cold and wet, but it was great to have the whole family together. I was exhausted every day after spending so much time with the kids, they are completely batshit crazy!”

“Oh gosh, I can imagine. How old are they?”

“My brother has two boys, thirteen and ten, and my sister has twin girls who are four, and a baby, I have no idea how old. They all talk in weeks and months, and I I’m not good at math.”

Trixie laughs at that. 

“Yes, parents do that, up until, like, three years old, they will say; this is my kid, he’s twenty-nine months. Bitch, don’t make me do math! Tell me how many years!”

“Oh, by the way, my parents want to invite you to our Christmas dinner,” Katya says. 

Trixie’s movements halt and she looks up.

“What do you mean?”

“They told me to bring you along. My brother and sister won’t be there, it’s just me and my parents, and they said I could bring someone.”

“Oh… are you sure? I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“No, I’m absolutely sure.” Katya sighs and shuffles in her seat a bit, making Trixie stop her work and take the needle off of Katya’s skin. 

“Look, they’re just so happy I made a new friend. I told them about you, and… they were ecstatic, as if I told them I was getting married or something. They wanna welcome you to their home and, just… I don’t know, make sure you feel welcome.”

“Really? That’s so cute,” Trixie says softly. She stares at Katya, and for a moment, Katya worries she might cry, but then she just smiles and dips her needle in the ink again. 

They talk about holiday traditions, something that Trixie has never really known. She worries about what to wear, if she has to bring something, and Katya tells her that she can wear whatever she wants, that her mom usually wears her apron at dinner because she forgets to take it off, and her dad is never allowed to wear his good shirts because he will spill food on them. 

“Russians don’t really do Christmas in December normally, we just do it the American way because my parents have been here for so long. They do it again in January, and that’s the one time a year they will visit church.”

“So the twenty-fifth isn’t really special for them?”   
  
“No. We never exchanged lots of gifts either, it was just something small for everyone.”

When Trixie is done with the black outline and shading, they take a break and have some tea. Trixie eats a sandwich, stuffing herself because she forgot to eat on her last break. 

“Oh my god! I know what you can bring!” Katya sits up in her chair and grabs Trixie’s wrist mid-bite, shaking and squeezing her.

“My mom absolutely loves the phoenix drawing, she said she wanted a picture of it to frame it. If you still have your original drawing, you could frame that? She would love it!”

Trixie gets up and rummages through a pile of papers on her desk, coming up with a sketchbook. There’s a perfect drawing of the exact phoenix she put on Katya’s body, just a little bigger and without the colors. 

“I can paint this one with watercolors?”

“Perfect!” Katya holds up two thumbs. 

After the break, Trixie finishes the tattoo. When the girls say goodbye, they agree to meet on the weekend and watch another Meryl movie - it’s going to be Julie & Julia this time, which Katya has never seen. She doesn’t know why Trixie is telling her ‘booooon appetit’ in an exaggerated voice and then doubles over laughing, but she’ll find out on Saturday.

 

*

 

“My dear,” Katya says, standing next to the couch with her Coca-Cola can up in the air. 

Trixie sits on the couch, cross-legged, holding her own can with two hands and looking up at Katya with a loving smile. 

“You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life. I love you, my darling girl,” Katya says and takes a small bow. 

Trixie’s smile is radiant, and she puts a hand on her chest and taps it up and down in a heartbeat rhythm.

“Awwww, you missed your calling,” Trixie coos. “You’d be a great Stanley Tucci!”

Both girls giggle and Katya collapses back on the couch. They were recalling their favorite lines from tonight’s movie and this one was Katya’s. Katya throws a small pillow at Trixie’s face, and she deflects it with her arm, making it land on Katya’s coke can - luckily there’s barely any coke left inside or they would’ve made a mess. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Sounds Amy’s voice from the front room.

“In here, Ames! Come meet Katya!”

Katya gets up from the couch and fixes her clothes a little, pulling up her jeans and making sure her white button-down covers both shoulders. A petite Asian woman enters the room and she’s an explosion of bright colors - baby blue hair, a seafoam green dress with anime characters on it, and bright pink platform boots. Katya is ready for a handshake or a one-armed ‘stranger hug’, but Amy throws herself into Katya's arms to hug her. 

“So good to meet you! Trix told me a lot about you! Show me the ladybug?”

Amy talks a mile a minute, and Katya just goes along with her. She’s a little intimidated by this tiny ball of energy, but she knows she’s Trixie’s best friend, so she wants to leave a good impression.

“So what do you do? Are you a professional cosplayer?” Katya asks Amy when all three of them are sitting down with drinks. 

Amy laughs and shoves some chips into her mouth.

“That would be a dream job, honestly, but I make my money selling make-up. I have an online store where I sell imported products from Asian brands that are unknown here.”

“Oh that’s really cool! And you’ve been successful?”

“Yes, very! It’s a whole brand now, the products are selling themselves.”

“Amy is a self-made woman,” Trixie says with a smile, and Katya sees pride glowing on her face. 

“Trixie tells me you’re a witch?” Amy continues seamlessly, and Katya looks at both girls before laughing loudly. 

“Well, no, not really. It’s just a family tradition, my grandma and my dad are both natural healers. It comes from a history of living in tiny towns in the middle of nowhere, in Russia, and having to deal with medical issues with nothing but the local villagers and the forest to help you. So, they taught me everything there is to know about herbs and other healing plants,” Katya explains with a little shrug.

“Oh! I have a question,” Amy says, sitting up on her knees. “I’m usually the one to make dinner, ‘cos miss thing can’t even boil an egg-” she swats away Trixie’s arm as it swings out to slap her, “but I’m super clumsy. I often burn myself. What can I put on these little kitchen burns?”

“That’s easy, buy an aloe vera plant,” says Katya. 

“The skincare stuff?” Trixie asks. 

“Yeah. The plants have very thick, spiky leaves. When you get a burn or a scratch, break off a piece of the leaf and rub it over the wound. It’s very cooling and healing.”

Katya pulls up a picture on her phone of an aloe plant.

“I’ve seen one at your place, but it’s much bigger,” Trixie says.

“Yeah, they can grow quite big, as tall as people!”

The girls sit and talk for a while, until Amy announces she has to get to bed. She gives Katya another tight hug, and kisses Trixie on the cheek.

 

*

 

About a week before Christmas, Katya is very busy at work. They have to stock up on medicine, and people want to come and get their prescriptions before the holiday closing. Because they are a small, privately owned business, Katya’s boss always closes the store for a few days around national holidays. Katya is grateful for the free time, even though it means she doesn’t get paid for those days. She’s been saving money for a while, both to pay off her debt to her father, and to buy presents, and bring some food to the dinner party. Her boss gives her an early Christmas present - a shiny red envelope with a small cash bonus, and he winks at her and thanks her for doing a good job. 

_ K: hey you wanna come for dinner? _

_ T: I thought you were broke? _

_ K: got a bonus :))))) ask Amy too _

_ T: WHAAAAT! So cool! She’s out of town but I’ll come! _

Katya is happy to have Trixie’s company and make dinner for her, even though she has to work tomorrow and there are a busy few days ahead. After work, she heads to a foreign food market, where she knows she can get the best meat from organic butchers, and the best vegetables, and even some Russian spice mixes if she’s lucky.

At home, Katya prepares lamb dumplings and two other dishes, one with eggplant and more lamb, and the other a bunch of grilled vegetables, and some flavoured white rice to bring everything together. She has red wine to go with it and cleans her dusty wine glasses. 

Just as Katya finishes tidying up the house, Trixie knocks on the door, and she looks around one more time - not bad. It used to feel empty, and dark, and even though the windows stil don’t let in a lot of light and she hasn’t bought any more furniture, it looks better. Maybe it’s the colorful blanket that Trixie got her for the couch, or maybe… it’s just her perspective. 

Trixie brings dessert, a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream that they both love, and she smiles when she walks into the combined living and dining room and sees the table set up for a fancy dinner. 

They sit, and Trixie accepts a glass of wine, after apologizing that she’s only going to have one, because she has to drive. 

Trixie ended up trying some of the ingredients for the first time, and she loved everything. She told Katya that she definitely has to make this for her again sometime. Katya points at the kitchen counter where three small plastic containers are waiting for Trixie to take home. 

After dinner, they retreat to the couch to eat the ice cream, but Trixie excuses herself to use the bathroom. Katya is humming a little while rinsing dishes before stacking them into the dishwasher, when Trixie comes back into the room, the belt on her jeans not even closed yet, and looks distraught and slightly panicked. 

“Katya…”

“What? Hey, what is it, are you ok?”

“Look outside.” 

They pull away the curtain at the small window on the other side of the room, and Katya gasps - the whole outside world is white. Enough snow has fallen to make it impossible to recognise the cars parked outside, and it goes up high enough to completely covers their tires.

“How am I gonna get home?” Trixie whispers.

“Maybe it’s gonna melt later,” Katya says softly, wrapping an arm around Trixie and rubbing her shoulder. 

“I hope so. I don’t want to drive in this,” Trixie says, and she sounds stressed. 

“Of course not, I won’t let you. You can stay here.” Katya hugs Trixie against her side for a moment before going back to rinsing the last few dishes. 

Trixie stands frozen in Katya’s cosy living room, staring at her friend in the kitchen and then back out at the snow with a little sigh. 

The snow doesn’t let up, and when they watch the local news later, they weatherman warns Bostonians to stay inside and definitely not drive. 

“Ok, so we’re having a slumber party,” Katya says, smiling, and she gets up and goes to the kitchen. 

She pours both of them another glass of wine, and then her phone rings: her boss. He tells her that he’s not sure if they can open tomorrow, and they agree to talk again in the morning and see if the bus services are evening running. 

“You’re really ok with me staying here?” Trixie asks. 

“Yeah, babe, don’t worry about it! Do you want something comfy to wear?”

Katya beckons Trixie with a nod of her head, and leads her toward the bedroom. She has a simple, plain bed with dark blue, messy sheets, barely any knicknacks around, and a small walk-in closet. She rummages around in the closet, coming up with a pair of soft, black yoga pants, an oversized Juilliard sweater and a pair of fuzzy socks. 

Katya stands in the closet and quickly changes her tank top and see-through knitted shirt for a long, thick sweater, and drops her pants to put on a pair of yoga pants. Trixie changes her pants but waits for Katya to leave the room before she takes off her sweater and bra, pulling the soft, worn sweater over her naked torso.

By the time they get sleepy, after eating ice cream and watching TV, the snow has stopped falling. It’s still piled high against the cars and shows no signs of melting. Strong, cold winds are blowing around the building.

“I’ve put some clean sheets on the bed for you, and there are two pillows,” Katya says as she enters the living room with a messy pile of sheets. 

“What? You’re not gonna give me the bed!”   
  
“Of course I am! I’m a good host, Missy.” Katya winks and sticks out her tongue, and Trixie rolls her eyes. 

“I feel so bad, I don’t want you to break your back on this couch,” Trixie says. She hears how whiny her voice sounds, but she really means it. 

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry. The couch is really comfy, and it’s just for one night!”    
  
Katya lightly pushes Trixie towards the bedroom, where the sheets are now a dark, forest green color, and it smells like fresh cotton. Trixie borrows Katya’s toothbrush and her disgustingly strong toothpaste that almost makes her gag. 

When Trixie is burrowed under the covers in one of Katya’s oversized sleep shirts, Katya sticks her head around the door and blows her a kiss goodnight. The bed is very comfortable and Trixie sinks away into sleep almost immediately. 

A couple of hours into the night, Trixie slowly wakes and stretches her body, realizing where she is by how different the sheets feel. Her bladder asks for her attention, and she gets up, feeling her way to the bathroom in the darkness. While she sits there, she hears a soft sound in the distance. It might be the wind howling around the house, but Trixie isn’t sure. When she’s done her business, she stands in the hallway, eyes closed, listening… it seems to come from the living room. Her heartbeat quickens when she listens at the door, which is slightly ajar, and then pushes it open fully. 

Katya is on the couch, curled into a trembling ball, and she’s crying with long, deep breaths, wailing and sobbing with her face pressed into the sheets. Trixie hurries over to the couch, crouching beside it. 

“Katya?” she whispers, gently touching Katya’s shoulder, but there’s no response. 

Katya’s shirt and hair are wet with sweat. She seems to be crying in her sleep, and Trixie is conflicted for a moment - should she wake her or not? But the heavy, trembling rocking of Katya’s body, and the keening, wailing cries hurt Trixie’s heart and she can’t watch it any longer. She grabs Katya’s shoulders with both hands, holds her firmly and loudly says her name.

“Katya. Katya, wake up. Katya, wake up. It’s ok, you can wake up.”

With a loud gasp, Katya’s eyes fly open and she rears back against the armrest of the couch, away from Trixie’s hands, and her eyes blink rapidly and she looks around. 

Trixie leans over to the other side of the couch and flips on a standing reading light, pointing it to the floor. 

“Hey, it’s me. Relax, it’s just me.” 

“Oh my god,” Katya repeats a few times, grabbing her duvet close to her, crying. 

“Shhh. You’re ok.”   
  
Trixie sits on the couch next to her, close but not touching, just her hand on Katya’s. Katya’s face is red and crumpled in pain, and she grabs Trixie’s hand, holds it, and rocks her body back and forth. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god.”

“Honey, calm down,” Trixie says, scooting a little closer. “What do you need? Can I-”

Katya sobs and wraps herself into Trixie’s arms, pressing against her. Trixie moves in without hesitating, pulling Katya close. Katya’s cries soften as she follows Trixie’s instructions to breathe slowly.

“I never remember anything, because nobody wakes me up,” Katya pants against Trixie’s chest. “But now…. now I saw… I saw my dream. Oh my god.” 

She cries again and Trixie feels a little helpless.

“I’m sorry,” Trixie whispers. 

Katya shakes her head. 

“No, no, it’s good. It’s good,” she says between sobs. 

Trixie strokes Katya’s hair gently and just lets her cry. She calms down slowly, and eventually she sits up and sniffs through her stuffy nose. 

“Your shirt is soaked.”

Trixie just shrugs. “It’s your shirt.”

Katya smiles faintly. “Oh, yeah.”   
  
“Do you want some water? Or a cup of tea?”

Katya wants tea, with honey, and she directs Trixie in the dimly lit kitchen while she makes it. They sit on the couch and drink slowly, and Katya says that she never knew what her nightmares entailed until now. She’s had them for a few years, and she always thought she dreamed of the attack. Now she knows that she’s dreaming that she’s dead - her ex has killed her and is sneeringly smiling at her dead, bloody body, and Katya sees her mom and dad crying and mourning. 

“You’re still afraid of her?” Trixie asks, holding Katya’s hand between them, stroking the top with her thumb. 

“I guess I am. I try not to think about her, I mean… I don’t think about it all the time anymore.”

“Where is she?”

Katya shrugs. 

“I’m not sure. I assume she’s still in New York, but I haven’t tried to find out. The police didn’t bother to do anything about the stalking. I just… left. Hid.”

“And then it stopped?”

“Yeah. I deleted all my social media, changed my phone number and my email address. She never tried to find me at my parents, and I never… I never contacted any of our old friends.”

Trixie nods in thought. 

“This might be a wild suggestion, but… maybe it helps you to know where she is? What she’s doing, how she’s doing?”

Katya’s eyes turn wide. “You mean talk to her?”   
  
“Not necessarily talk to her, but maybe someone around her? Her sister?”

Katya’s grip on Trixie’s hand gets a little stronger and she stares at her intently. 

“I don’t know if I want to know.”

“I get that.” Trixie turns her body to Katya fully, and lets go of her hand to stroke her messy hair. “But it might put things in perspective. Make her more… real, more human. Right now, she’s a monster inside your head. She did something awful, but you can’t keep the monster there. You have to banish it.”

Katya suddenly smiles, and Trixie smiles back. 

“I’m so happy I met you,” Katya whispers, and she takes Trixie’s hand and kisses the top. “You’re such a good friend.”

The girls hug again, and both of them wipe at their eyes when they let go. 

“Let's get some sleep,” Trixie says. “Do you wanna share your bed? It’s big enough.”

Trixie pulls Katya along by her hand, and they shuffle under the duvet together. Trixie holds Katya’s hand on her pillow until she falls asleep, and then she still watches her shape in the dark for a moment. This girl, she’s special to Trixie. Even though Trixie can’t even begin to imagine what Katya has gone through, she feels like a little bit of her pain was transferred into Trixie’s heart tonight, and she hopes that means it’s a little less pain for Katya. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you read this, tell me in the comments what you think is in the future for these two?  
> I might take a little break from this story to work on trixyawrimo, because I worry I'll run out of chapters to post. I like to write ahead to avoid any pressure on my writing. I hope you'll all follow trixyawrimo as well and send love to the writers who are joining!


	5. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya takes Trixie to her parents for Christmas dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time since I posted anything, but this chapter is appropriate now, so here it is. I haven't been able to write a lot since the last time I posted (6 ish weeks ago during the trixyawrimo challenge), so I don't know how long it will be till my next time upload. I keep running into writing blocks. If you're still following me, thanks for your patience :)
> 
> I am not a fan of the holidays but I wish everyone a good time, whatever it is you're celebrating. XO

Trixie Mattel doesn’t know what common Christmas traditions are, and it bothers her. She asks her coworkers about it, and Blair, who works the front desk and keeps track of all their appointments, paints a pretty traditional picture of the perfect family; her parents are still together, she’s the only kid still living at home, her other siblings come over with their partners, everybody dresses up, everybody brings presents, most of the guests also bring food. 

Brent, a tattoo artist who rents a chair in Trixie’s shop to receive his clients, says that his Christmas is less traditional; a broken home, his brother lives too far away, so it’s usually him, his girlfriend, his stepdad and his mom. They have a meal together, but nobody is a very good cook, so they usually order food in, and then they watch sappy Christmas movies on TV. 

“Ok, well, how about, a crappy plastic tree, with only enough ornaments to fill it halfway, no lights, no decorations in the house, no family,” Trixie ticks them off on her fingers and continues, “Usually we’d have pizza and my mom was asleep on the couch before the movie ended.”

“That comes close to mine, yeah,” Brent huffs. “But since I met Alexis, it’s been more fun. She makes it more fun.” He smiles sweetly and Trixie grins. 

“Look at you, big tattoo Bill all soft for his baby girl,” she says in a teasing voice. 

Brent shrugs and nods.

“When I moved out, my friends and I usually just got wasted… and then watched the same movies we’ve seen since childhood,” Trixie says and realizes she likes those memories more than the ones with her mom. 

Trixie doesn’t have any real Christmas traditions with Amy either, because she usually visits family or friends, or takes a short vacation after the rush of the holiday sales.

When the day arrives, Trixie paces up and down her house like a crazy person. Amy took her parents on a trip to Hawaii, and Trixie has been texting her some pictures of potential outfits, but there was no reply. 

She eyes the options again; the pale pink dress seems too summery for the snowy weather, the black slacks might be too severe and she doesn’t know what shirt to pair with it, and then there’s the red dress… she’s never worn it, it seems a little tight on top, and maybe comes across as sexy, but it seems to be the only ‘Christmassy’ option. 

Trixie doesn’t have a real concept of her own sex appeal - or sex appeal in general, for that matter - but she knows what  _ not  _ to wear around guys. She would never go to work in a dress, she’ll never wear too much cleavage, and she doesn’t like to be flirted with by anyone. She likes getting compliments, but only from women, and only if they’re sincere and not to get into her pants. 

She snaps a picture of the dress how it hangs on the door of her wardrobe and sends it to Katya. 

_ T: Is this too much? _

_ K: it’s gorgeous! But wear what you want, you can be comfy! _

_ T: So too much? _ __   
_   
_ __ K: NO! if you feel good in that, wear it :)

Trixie nods and takes off her bathrobe. She hoists herself into the dress and realizes that it’s not even that uncomfortable. It’s not too tight, it shows cleavage but not so much that it makes her uncomfortable, and the skirt flows nicely. She wears black tights with it, a cropped cardigan to keep her exposed arms warm, and black high heels. 

Arriving at Katya’s, Trixie gets out of the car and watches Katya bounce down the stairs. She’s wearing a pair of faux leather leggings and a long, sequined sweater dress saying ‘Bon Jour’, with high-heeled ankle boots. Her long, blonde hair is up in a simple but elegant half ponytail.

“We match!” Trixie calls out before Katya has even reached her, and she feels relieved that she’s not the only one who dressed up. 

Both of them squeal and hug, and Katya makes Trixie twirl in her dress and heels. 

“Wow, you look amazing. If I didn’t know any better…” Her voice trails off and she winks. 

“What?” Trixie aks on a giggle. 

“I’d think you were trying to seduce me.” Katya sticks out her tongue and ducks away when Trixie tries to slap her with her purse. 

Even though the snow has now turned into slush and the streets have mostly been cleared, Katya sees Trixie is still a little more cautious about driving than she normally is. Her parents’ street hasn’t been cleared, other than what the residents did on their sidewalks, but Trixie finds a good parking spot close to the house.

“Crap, I regret these heels now,” Trixie mutters when she gets out of the car, spreading her arms for balance as she steps into the muck of half-melted snow. 

“Here, hold my hand,” Katya says, walking around the back of the car. 

“Oh my god, I feel like an old person,” Trixie giggles while they carefully walk to the house. 

The door opens before they’ve even gotten up the concrete steps, and a small woman with blonde and grey hair waits for them, hands clasped together and a big smile on her face. 

“So happy to see you girls! Be careful,” Anna Petrova says, holding out her hand for Katya to grab. 

The steps are a little slippery, even though Katya’s dad swept them almost every day, but they make it inside in their heels without any problems. As soon as they enter the living room, the dog starts barking and Katya kneels down to greet her, catching her in her arms and accepting her kisses. Trixie gets pulled into a hug by Anna, while Katya hugs and kisses her dad, the dog still ecstatically running around them and wagging her tail.

“I’m Aleksandr Petrov, you can call me Alex,” says a tall man with broad shoulders, bushy brows, and a full mustache. 

“We’ve heard a lot about you, darling, please, sit, sit.” Anna guides them into the living room. 

It’s a cozy home, and the first thing Trixie sees before sitting down are the pictures of the children. There are several of the three siblings together, and then, of course, the grandkids. Katya’s brother looks just like her dad, minus the mustache, while Katya is an exact copy of her mom, and the little sister is a mix of both - she’s a taller Katya with wavy brown hair.

Alex comes in from the kitchen with a serving platter and four small mugs of some steamy liquid. 

“This is Russian spiced wine, Trixie. You wanna try?”

He speaks in a mix of hard Russian consonants and the laziness of the Boston accent. Trixie accepts the warm mug, and it smells like cinnamon, orange, and wine, and a lot of other spices she can’t detect - it’s delicious. 

They sit and talk for a bit, while Katya and her mom move back and forth from the kitchen to the living room in turns, and the house starts to fill with delicious smells. Alex explains that he’s been living in Boston since he was in his twenties, and that’s when he started a business importing Russian products to cater to the Russian and other Slavic communities on the East Coast. 

Rosie, the family dog, is constantly alert to Katya’s whereabouts. She sits next to Katya’s spot on the couch, and when Katya walks to the kitchen to assist her mother, Rosie’s ears perk up and she watches her go and waits for her to come back. Her nose is constantly following Katya, even though she stays in her spot beside the couch. 

The wine makes Trixie warm, and when Anna invites all of them to come to the dinner table, she takes off her cardigan. Anna is immediately distracted by her arms. 

“Oh Trixie, can I have a look? This is beautiful,” Anna says as she grabs Trixie’s wrist and admires her tattoos.

On her left hand, there’s the face of a black cat with a white tip on its chin, a good image of her and Amy’s cat. There’s the word  _ freedom _ on the inside of her arm, and a native American woman on her shoulder. Everything is tied together by swirling branches of ivy, and on the outside of her arm are a couple of bees swarming around a pot of honey. 

“Oh, thank you. Wait, that reminds me!” 

Trixie gets up and goes to her purse to take out her gift for Anna. Katya smiles giddily and clasps her hands together to contain her excitement.

“Darling, thank you, you didn’t have to!” Anna carefully takes off the wrapping paper and squeals when she sees the Phoenix - she really is Katya’s mom; they way she shakes her fists in the air when she gets excited and her big smile are traits Trixie recognizes. 

When they finally get to eat, the meal is delicious. Trixie recognizes some of the flavors from the food that Katya has made for her, and she’s enjoying all the different dishes and Anna and Alex’s explanation for them. There’s soup, cooked vegetables, roasted vegetables, and lots of meat. 

Watching Trixie interact with her parents makes Katya feel warm inside. It’s good to see everybody get along. Her parents never got along with Chloe. Even though they accepted her and welcomed her into their home, Katya instinctively felt they weren’t as crazy about her as some of her other dates or friends she’d introduced them to in the past. 

When they found out about the abuse, Alex was unable to keep his opinions to himself, and a big fight broke out between him and his middle child. It was horrible and ugly, and they didn’t speak for a while - not until Katya’s mother begged her to come over and talk to him again. Which she did, because he’s still her dad, and she knew deep down that he was right. He asked her to break up with Chloe, so many times, he asked her to come and live with them again, and he cried by her bedside when she was in the hospital. 

Through talks about traditional Russian food, moving to the USA, and making new friends, Trixie feels very welcome and accepted by Katya’s parents. As overwhelmed as she initially felt, her nerves have settled nicely and she’s quite comfortable. When Rosie puts her heavy head down on Trixie’s lap to get attention, and maybe some treats, Trixie feels fully accepted by every family member. 

After dinner and dessert, the parents drink wine and the girls tea. Katya and Trixie then take Rosie out for her last walk - but only after Katya promises that they won’t visit the cemetery. They both trudge through the sludge in borrowed boots, Trixie wearing Alex’s green gardening boots, Katya her mom’s fake Uggs. 

“Your parents are amazing,” Trixie says, and she links her arm with Katya’s as they follow an excited Rosie down the street. 

“They’re the best. We used to get into a lot of shit when I was younger, but since the whole Chloe drama we’ve gotten closer.” 

“Well, at least one good thing came from it.” Trixie squeezes Katya’s arm and holds it close against her. 

While they wait for Rosie to do her business in some dark shrubbery, Katya feels Trixie’s head leaning on her shoulder. Trixie then yawns, and sniffs, sniffs again, then sobs and Katya turns to her in alarm. 

“Trix, what is it? Babe?” 

“I’m sorry,” Trixie sobs softly. “I’m not sad, I just…” She struggles to get words out.

Katya turns to her and wraps her arms around her. 

“A bit much with the sappy family love?” Katya guesses. Trixie just nods against her shoulder.

After a moment, she calms and chuckles when Rosie pushes her wet nose between her knees. 

“I’m not used to this. I just feel like… I’ve missed a lot. And that’s ok, I can’t change it.” 

Trixie sighs and wipes carefully under her eyes. 

“It just makes me sad for the kid I was. Not getting any of this, spending time together, making food, talking about fun memories. I was lonely and sad and… I still carry that today.” 

They continue walking, Katya’s arm tight around Trixie’s waist. 

“I know babe, it’s totally unfair. Your kid self was deprived, but you can make up for it now. You can make every holiday special, no matter who you celebrate it with. I’ll be your family!” 

Katya halts on the sidewalk to kiss Trixie’s cheek and feels proud when she sees her smile come back. 

Back at the house, Katya drops a little hint to her mom that they have to go home. Anna loads them up with leftover food, and both parents stand in the doorway to say goodbye. 

The wind has gotten strong and icy, and just when Katya reaches the bottom step, she realizes the whole thing is covered in ice. She turns to tell Trixie, but it’s too late; Trixie steps down in her heels while laughing and waving at Anna and Alex, and her foot slides out from under her. Katya heats a little crack when she goes down, and she screams in pain.

“Fuck! My ankle, Jesus motherfucking Christ, oh god this hurts, I’m sorry, fuck!” 

A stream of expletives leaves Trixie’s mouth as she lies on the ground, grabbing her leg and holding it close to her body. Katya is on her knees and holds Trixie’s shoe - the shoe is fine, which must mean something in her foot made the awful cracking sound. 

Anna gets into care mode, instructing Alex to pick Trixie up. She hops back into the living room on one foot, tears now streaming down her cheeks. 

“This is not good. My ankle… this is not good,” she whispers as she sinks down on the couch with Katya by her side. 

Anna puts a pillow under Trixie’s calf to keep the foot elevated without touching it, and Alex is on the phone. 

“Paddy, it’s Alex, so sorry to bother you on this evening,” he says, sounding rushed. “Our friend fell on our steps and I think she might have sprained or broken her ankle.” 

Paddy O’Neil is their former neighbor and he’s a retired general practitioner. As Alex listens to his friend on the phone, he examines Trixie’s foot up close.

“Can you move your foot in a circle?”

She can’t, it hurts too much. 

Alex gently touches the ankle around the part that’s quickly swelling up, and Trixie hisses in pain. 

“I’m afraid it’s broken, Paddy. We’ll take her to the ER.” 

“Fuck my life, fuck my life,” Trixie repeats under her breath.

Katya wraps an arm around Trixie and strokes her hair away from her sweaty face. 

“It’s gonna be ok, baby, we’ll get you to the hospital.” 

“But who’s going to drive her? I’ve had too much wine,” Alex mutters, scratching his head. 

“Katya has to drive,” Anna says definitively while she puts on her jacket. 

Katya and Alex stare at each other, and Trixie looks from one to the other and back - Trixie and Katya both stuck to one small mug of the warm spiced wine, while Anna and Alex both also had a few glasses during dinner. There’s no other option, apart from calling a taxi, which could be a challenge on Christmas Day.

“I… I don’t know…” Katya mutters, staring at her dad in a panic.

“I’ll help you,” Alex says, taking his jacket from Anna.

Katya changes her ankle boots for her mom’s boots again, and Trixie sees her pale face and big eyes when they get ready to leave. Alex supports Trixie to walk to his car, which is bigger than Trixie’s, and Anna gets in the back with her. She keeps Trixie’s leg up on a pillow in her lap while Trixie leans back over the seat. 

Katya’s hand are cold and wet with sweat when she goes through the motions: get in the car, adjust the seat, click the seat belt in place, adjust the rearview mirror, check if the car is in park, push the key in the slot and turn it over. 

Alex sits beside her. 

“Are you ok?”

Katya shakes her head. 

“Do you want instructions?”

She gives him a watery smile and nods. He tells her to turn the key halfway, check if all the lights are on, check fuel. 

Katya starts the car and Alex coaches her to drive out of the parking spot and into the street. It takes them only thirty minutes to get to the hospital, with Alex telling Katya exactly what to do at every turn and every stop light. Anna and Trixie are mostly silent in the back. 

When the car stops at the ER entrance, Katya’s fingers are stiff and cramped from holding the wheel in a death grip. The tank top under her sweater dress is soaked through and her face is clammy, little drops of sweat beaded on her upper lip. Once Trixie is in a wheelchair, Anna rides her to the waiting room and Alex and Katya get back into the car to park it. She finds an easy parking spot close to the door, and when she’s done, Alex holds out a box of tissues. 

“Well done, honey. Well done,” he says softly.

They get out of the car when Katya has dabbed her face and put some gum in her dry mouth, and then hurry into the waiting room. Trixie sits in the wheelchair and her face looks ashy, her mouth a thin stripe. 

“Hey, you. It’ll be ok,” Katya says, crouching beside the wheelchair and grabbing Trixie’s hand. 

“How do you know?” Trixie’s voice is thin and soft. 

“Because I’ve been stuck in this place for a while and they took really good care of me,” Katya says. 

“But… how am I gonna work?” Trixie looks at Katya with her big brown eyes shining with tears.

“Your hands still work, right?” Katya weaves her fingers through Trixie’s. “We’ll figure it out, I promise.”

It takes a while before Trixie’s turn is up, and Anna, Alex, and Katya try their best to reassure her and make her feel at ease. Alex gets hot drinks for everyone and waves away Trixie’s pleas to go home. Trixie fills out all the necessary forms and watches the clock constantly. Time passes very slowly, and two hours feel like ten, but then it’s finally her turn to see a doctor. Katya is allowed into the examination room with her and helps Trixie sit up on the table. The doctor is a nice, older guy, very calm and collected, and they explain shortly what happened. He lets his hands go over Trixie’s foot and ankle, asking where it hurts and if she can move it. Her ankle has swollen so much, there’s no more definition to it - just one big blob from her calf to her foot. She can move it, but it’s painful, and she groans when he puts pressure on the bottom of her foot.

“From what I’m seeing, I think there’s a break in the fibula,” the doctor says. “That’s the bone that starts here and goes all the way up to your knee.” He points at the same bone on her other, healthy ankle, the one that is visible on the outside of the ankle. 

“Is that bad?” Trixie asks, unsure what it really means. 

“It doesn’t have to be. The bone seems to still be in place, and if that’s the case, we just need to put your ankle in a fracture boot and you have to wait until it heals on its own. If the broken bone has moved from where it should be, then we need to open it up and secure it in place. But let’s get you some x-rays and see what’s going on.”

They have to wait another while for the x-rays, in a different waiting room, and Katya leaves Trixie there to go downstairs and convince her parents to go home. Alex still doesn’t want to drive, but he agrees that they can wait for a taxi and sort out the car situation the next day. 

“Please keep us posted, Kat. I’m so sorry for her,” Anna says as she hugs her daughter. 

“Will do, thank you both for being awesome.”

When Katya arrives back to the upstairs waiting room, Trixie has fallen asleep in her wheelchair, her head leaning back in an awkward position. Katya is also exhausted, as it’s now around three am, and she tries to get comfortable on a plastic chair. 

This waiting area is not very crowded, but people get seen based on urgency, and Trixie’s ankle doesn’t appear to be very urgent - it’s almost morning by the time she gets her x-ray taken. Katya has to wait a long time until Trixie comes back, a nurse pushing her wheelchair and holding crutches. Her ankle is in a big black boot. The nurse greets Katya and hands her a little plastic bag. 

“Here’s some pain medication, Trixie can take them when she feels like it, but no more than one every four hours,” he explains, showing Katya a little box. “She can’t put any weight on her foot for the next six weeks, and she has to come in for x-rays in ten days.”

The bag also contains an appointment card and a flyer with general information on how to treat a broken ankle, how to go about showering and how to use the crutches. 

Katya wheels Trixie to the elevator, and then outside, where she sits on a bench while Katya returns the wheelchair. She then calls one of the taxi companies from the information board. The sun is just starting to rise, giving the sky a dark blue hue with some orange glow in the distance. 

“I am so fucking tired,” Trixie whispers while they wait. 

“Same. I feel like I can sleep standing up.”

They lean against each other on the bench, and Trixie holds Katya’s hand. 

“I don’t even know how to thank you for being here,” Trixie says. “I’m sorry.”

“Shhh. Don’t be sorry, you can’t help it.”

Trixie sighs. 

“I feel like I ruined Christmas.”

Katya shoves Trixie’s shoulder with her own. 

“Stop that! You fell, shit happens. I’m happy to help, and I’m gonna stay with you today, too." 

The taxi arrives before Trixie can answer, and she hops over on her crutches. 

The streets are pretty quiet, and the car seems to have no issues with the slush. The girls huddle together in the back seat, more out of comfort than cold. 

“I got scared of driving after we had an accident,” Katya says, so softly Trixie has to concentrate to hear her. “Me and Chloe, we got into a fight while I was driving, and I crashed into another car. I felt so bad, I never wanted to drive again. I never wanted to be in a car with Chloe again. Never fight again. I never wanted to leave the house, even.”

Trixie doesn’t know if she should answer, even if she knew what to say, so she just stays quiet. Katya focuses on fumbling with the hem of her jacket. 

“I didn’t really know what was going on with me at the time. We never drove in New York, just rented a car when we visited here or… whatever.” Katya sighs. “I lost a lot of good years on that bitch and all the trauma that she brought.”

There is a span of silence between them, and then they turn into Trixie’s street. Katya pays the driver and helps Trixie get out of the car without putting her injured foot on the ground. 

“I’m so proud of you for driving today,” Trixie says when they halt in front of her door. “You did that!”

Katya smiles big.  

“I did. All it took was a medical emergency.”


	6. Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long night in the hospital, Katya spends the weekend with Trixie to help her. They both get confronted with their thoughts and feelings about the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I still have some chapters of this already written. I'm hoping that sharing these with you will trigger my writing bug. Fingers crossed.

Once they get inside Trixie’s house, they move slowly and sluggishly, both so tired they can sleep for a week. Katya gets a chair from the kitchen so Trixie can sit down and take off Anna’s one boot and her jacket, and she throws both to the floor. Katya hangs up their coats while Trixie picks up her crutches and hops through her room straight to the bed, which is hidden from the rest of the room by pink and white curtains.

Two cats sprint down the stairs meowing loudly and start curling their bodies around Katya’s legs.

“Oh, hello babies! Should I feed them?”

“Oh, would you? Their food is in the top left cabinet in the kitchen. Just dump some goop into their bowls,” Trixie says from where she sits on the side of her bed. She lets her body drop down and shuffles sideways to get her bad foot up on the bed as well. It hurts, but it’s now more like a throbbing in the back of her mind. Most of her body is a little sensitive right now from sitting in weird positions, sleeping in a wheelchair, and probably also from being awake for almost twenty-four hours.

“Hey sweetie, you’re so pretty! Are you hungry?”

Trixie hears Katya coo at the cats in a sweet voice, and she smiles. She doesn’t know how she ever deserved such an amazing friend, but it makes her happy just having her around. It makes her heart swell.

“What are their names?” Katya calls from the other side of the house.

“Ginger and Lick,” Trixie calls back.

“What? Lick?” Katya says, closer now, walking into the living room. She’s bringing two big glasses of water.

“Short for Licorice. It’s too long,” Trixie says with a grin. She sits up to accept the water and the pill that Katya has taken out of the plastic bag.

“Can we take a nap now?” Katya asks.

“Please, yes,” Trixie sighs. “I just need to take off my makeup.”

They shuffle into her small bathroom together, and Katya brings the chair from the hallway so Trixie can sit down.

“There’s extra bedding in the wardrobe in the living room,” Trixie says while wiping her face with cleaning wipes.

“Oh god, I have no energy to make up a bed,” Katya whispers. “Can I just sleep with you? I’ll try not to fart.”

“Ok, I guess I can deal with that,” Trixie says sternly, then laughs loudly. “As if I can say no to anything you ask me, ever, from now on,” she adds.

Katya follows Trixie’s instructions to find sleepwear and finally takes off the gross, sweaty tank top she’d been in all night to slip into one of Trixie’s big, pink sleep shirts. When she turns around, Trixie sits on the bed with her back to her, taking off her bra, and Katya gasps out loud.

Trixie’s back is covered in two black and grey angel wings, from her shoulders down along the curve of her waist and over her hips, from where they’re hidden by her underwear and the bunched up duvet underneath her.

“What?” Trixie covers her front with her shirt and turns to look at Katya.

“Your back, can I see?” Katya comes close and sits behind Trixie.

“Oh, sure. You like it?”  
  
“It’s amazing.”

Katya sits and admires the tattoo, and Trixie feels her fingers tickling on her skin where she follows the lines of the art.

“How far does it go down?”

“Uhm, like, my upper thighs.”

Trixie shivers when Katya’s fingers run over her back again, and Katya stops.

“Sorry. I don’t even know why I’m touching it, it’s not like I can feel the drawing,” Katya chuckles and shuffles away from Trixie.

Trixie puts on her shirt and turns to see Katya walk back into the bathroom to use the toilet.

While the gray, dreary day comes to life, Katya and Trixie sleep. Trixie wakes up all the time, her ankle hurts, her body is uncomfortable, and her mind is filled with thoughts about how in the hell she’s going to get back to work, how she’s going to afford to be sick, and also, about the woman in her bed.

Trixie feels very close to Katya. They are best friends, even though Amy has held that title for a long time. They can both be her best friends, but something is different with Katya. The closeness they share feels different, Trixie wants it all the time, and she misses Katya when she’s around. She misses Amy when she’s on a trip, but it’s not the same.

Trixie turns from her back to her side to look at Katya sleeping beside her. Her long, sleek hair is in a little braid with loose, messy strands around her face. She’s holding the duvet with both hands, and while Trixie stares at her, Katya smacks her lips and sighs and opens her eyes. She looks back at Trixie through heavy lids but then smiles widely.

“Hey, baby,” Katya whispers in a gravelly voice. “How are you feeling?”

Katya reaches out and puts her hand on Trixie’s arm. Trixie extends her arm and shuffles a little closer to Katya.

“I can’t really sleep, I’m so uncomfortable. But I’m ok otherwise.”

“Not too much pain? Do you need another pill?”

“Nah. I can wait a little.”

Katya’s eyes slide closed and she hides her face in the pillow to yawn.

“I’ve heard it might help if you put a pillow between your legs, to support your ankle,” Katya says, and sits up and looks around the bed, and to the floor where a bunch of throw pillows have been dumped haphazardly when they went to bed. She picks up the biggest one and climbs back on the bed. She pushes the duvet off of Trixie and kneels by her legs.

“Turn to your other side,” Katya says. The injured leg is now on top.

Katya lifts Trixie’s leg by picking up her calf, then places the pillow between her feet, making sure all the of the boot is on the pillow.

“How’s this?”

“This is good, I think I can stay like this for a while.”

Katya pulls the duvet down again and Trixie feels her lying down close behind her. Her body stiffens unwillingly, and she holds her breath.

“Close your eyes, babe. Try to sleep a little more. Your body needs to rest,” Katya says softly, close to Trixie’s ear.

Katya starts to run her fingers gently through Trixie’s hair, pulling the strands away from her face. All of her hair is down, she’d been too tired to do fasten it or brush out the hairspray, and Katya’s fingers are combing through the curls. It feels like a little caress to Trixie’s scalp every time Katya’s fingers run through her hair, and it’s very calming.

“Go to sleep,” Katya whispers again.

Trixie seems to sag deeper into the mattress and sinks away into sleep before she can even processes what’s going on.

*

It’s well into the afternoon when Trixie wakes up to smells of coffee and eggs. Her head is heavy and woozy, and her ankle hurts like hell when she moves. There are sounds coming from the other side of the house, and she guesses Katya is in the kitchen.

“No, baby, I don’t think you should eat that… gimme... This is not for kitties. Humans only, ok? Here, have some ham.”

Trixie smiles in spite of how uncomfortable she is, and stretches her arms over her head. She wrestles with the duvet to get out from under it and moves to the other side of the bed where she left her crutches. Getting up and going to the bathroom is a bit of a production, but she manages to get it done.

“Good morning,” Trixie yells.

“Hey, good morning!”   
  
Katya comes rushing in from the kitchen and finds Trixie standing in front of her wardrobe.

“Did you sleep well?”

“I was dead to the world, thanks to you.”  
  
“Good,” Katya says with a proud smile. “Do you wanna get dressed?”   
  
“Just my robe, it’s over there,” Trixie says with a nod of her head.

Katya gets the robe for her and helps her put it on, ties the sash in the front.

“It’s the middle of the day, but I made breakfast. You want some?”  
  
“Yes, I’m starving! What are you wearing?” Trixie looks Katya over; she’s in black leggings, a bright pink long-sleeve with Barbie on it, and a long knitted cardigan that looks awfully familiar.

“Oh yeah, I took a shower and then I raided your wardrobe.” Katya smiles and sticks out her tongue, pulling the cardigan tighter around her. “This is so comfy, I might not give it back.”

Trixie laughs loudly and tries to hit Katya with one of her crutches.

“Thief! But you look cute in it.”

“You don’t mind? I didn’t wanna wake you.”  
  
“Of course, it’s fine!”

They sit down in the kitchen, and Katya pulls up a chair for Trixie to rest her foot on. She gives her a glass of water and a pill, and then pours both of them coffee.

“Do you like eggs and ham on toast?”

“Hell yes!” Trixie already holds a knife in one hand, fork in the other, ready to attack her food.

Katya fried the eggs on both sides and toasted the bread. She slathers ketchup over her own eggs, and Trixie looks on with a frown.

“That’s gross.”

“You’re gross,” Katya gives back without missing a beat, and both giggle.

After a moment of silence, the only sound the toast crunching in their mouth, Trixie reaches out and grabs Katya’s arm.

“You didn’t have to work? I’m only now thinking of this!”

“Nah, we’re closed for two days, I just have a short shift tomorrow.”

“And no yoga?”

“Nope. The community center is closed until the third.”

“Ok. Well, you should go home soon then. Get some rest before tomorrow.”

Trixie piles up the dishes on the table, but belatedly realises she can’t bring them over to the dishwasher. She watches Katya do it.

“Actually, I thought I could get some clothes at home and then come back here? Help you out a little?”

“Really? You don’t wanna go home and just… be home?”

Katya finishes up the dishes and wipes a rag over the countertop.

“I like hanging out here, you need help, it’s no biggie.”

Trixie’s chest feels a little tight, but for some reason, it feels good to accept Katya’s help. She hasn’t felt shitty about it until now.

“If it’s no bother… I’d love that. Another Meryl movie tonight?”

So then it’s decided that Katya stays with Trixie for the weekend, at least until Amy comes back on Sunday night. She calls her dad to talk about the cars and how to take care of those, and he and Anna are ready to pick up their car and drive Trixie’s car over to her place, and then he can also drive Katya home to pick up some clothes and other necessities. They bring along Rosie, who is super excited to be visiting even though Ginger isn’t very impressed and Lick is hiding under the couch.

On her way back to Trixie’s, Katya passes by a small grocery store and picks up some simple ingredients for dinner, because she saw that Trixie barely had any food in the house. She was lucky to find breakfast items other than some sugary cereal and milk.

“Would it be… possible, you think, for me take a bath?” Trixie asks while they’re watching  _The Devil Wears Prada_  that evening.

“You have a tub?”

“Well, it’s on Amy’s floor, but she always says I can use it whenever I want.”

“I think it would be ok, if you put your foot over the edge? You wanna try?”

“Yeah if you don’t mind? It’s probably gonna be a bit of a mess.” Trixie makes a face.  
  
“‘Course I don’t mind, silly. I told you, I’m here to help!”

It’s a hassle to get Trixie up the stairs, because she isn’t used to the crutches yet. Katya walks behind her, ready to catch her if she falls. Trixie’s armpits are already hurting from leaning on the crutches, and her face is damp with sweat when she gets upstairs. Amy’s bathroom is an explosion of color and beauty products, and Katya looks around with her mouth open - everything is pink and teal, and there’s a picture of Hello Kitty on the shower curtain.

They run the bath only half full so that Trixie won’t accidentally get her boot wet. She’s been walking around in a long sweater, one fluffy sock, and a blanket covering her on the couch. Katya has peeked at the eagle tattoo on her right thigh when they were in bed together, and now she sees the other side has a fresh looking dragonfly - close to her ass, as she remembers Trixie texted her before they started hanging out.

Katya doesn’t say anything helping Trixie undress, while Trixie huffs and curses as she wrestles out of her clothes balancing on one leg. When she takes off her shirt, Katya deliberately doesn’t look at her, but she can’t help seeing the swell of Trixie’s big, full chest, with a string of daisies tattooed around her ribcage, going up between her boobs.

Katya has to actively avert her eyes. Trixie is very beautiful, her body soft and feminine, and Katya doesn’t want to think about it. She feels awkward having these thoughts about her friend’s body.

“Oh my god,” Trixie sighs when she gets into the water.

She’s sitting down with both legs over the side of the tub, then turns to the side to get the good leg in. After some wiggling, she’s in place and leans back. Katya sits on the floor with her back against the tub.

“You good?” Katya asks, peeking over the edge.

Trixie nods with a smile. “A little uncomfortable, but good. Can I have my phone?”

Katya hands Trixie her phone and also takes out her own and finds a message from her mom asking how Trixie is doing and if they ate something healthy.

Trixie takes a picture of her position in the tub - her good leg mostly covered by suds, the other hanging over the edge, and sends it to Amy with a sad emoji. She doesn’t expect a response any time soon, because Amy and her family have been enjoying Hawaii and Maui. Trixie isn’t sure where Amy is right now, but she’s scheduled to be back Sunday night. Trixie was supposed to pick her up from the airport but there’s no chance of that happening now.

After washing her body and hair, Trixie feels a little better, but also exhausted, and Katya has to help her get out of the tub. Katya tries to cover up Trixie’s nakedness with a towel while also supporting her as she balances on one wobbly foot, and Trixie chuckles and throws both arms around Katya’s neck.

“I don’t care if you see me naked,” Trixie says. “Just don’t drop me.”

“Never,” Katya says with a crooked smile.

There’s a blush to her cheeks that Trixie doesn’t see because she sits down on the edge of the tub to dry herself. Katya gently squeezes her hair and wraps a towel around it.

“So… the dragonfly. It’s not on your ass after all.”

Trixie laughs.

“Nah, my friend thought it fit better on my thigh. There wasn’t enough space because the wings end there.”

Trixie stands up, her injured foot on the floor but without putting any weight on it, and she takes her towel off to dry her front. Katya stares at the wings in all their glory, how they flare out over her full hips and around to her thigh.

“It’s beautiful,” Katya says softly, again unable to keep her hands from going to the realistic drawing on Trixie’s back.

Trixie stills when Katya’s fingers gently caress her skin, her head falling forward, one hand reaching out to the sink for balance. The touch is so soft and sweet, it makes her sigh. It feels nice.

A loud ‘pling’ startles them both - it’s Trixie’s phone on the edge of the tub. Katya turns away and holds up the robe for Trixie to put on. Once they’ve shuffled downstairs, Katya leaves Trixie on the bed with a pile of clothes to get dressed on her own, while she goes back upstairs to clean up the mess.

_A: What THE HELL HAPPEND?!!!_

_A: ALso you’re in the tub with Katya there? :P WHATS GOING ON_

Trixie rolls her eyes at  that last message but she can’t help but smile.

_T: fell down on the steps of katya’s parents place, it was crazy cold and slippery. Got a little tear in my bone. K’s been here to help me! I can’t do anything it’s so annoying!!_

_A: ok but is there a thing_

_T: just a little tear. gotta wear that boot for 6 wks_

_A: No like a THING_

_A: between you 2_

Trixie stares at the message and feels her face warm up. She’s always been very adamant about deflecting Amy’s suggestions until now.

_T: maybe?_

_A: Omg I can’t wait to get home. What are you thinking?_

Trixie hears Katya rumbling down the stairs, both cats on her heels, and quickly pulls her sleep shirt over her head.

_T: I like spending time with her but it’s different? Like I miss her when we don’t talk even two days??_

_T: when I couldn’t sleep she stroked my hair and I was super comfy_

_A: [heart eyes emoji] that is so cute_

Katya is in the kitchen and she feeds the cats little treats she found in the cupboard. She sits on the floor with the two little fluffy brothers beside her, and her mind is racing.

She knew she was attracted to Trixie the first time they met at the tattoo shop. It still happens that she meets women she likes, usually from a distance, even though she doesn’t want to. It’s the same with Sasha - if Katya was still her old self, she would’ve asked Sasha out, because she’s beautiful and interesting. But this new Katya is damaged and hurt, never trusts anyone enough to let them get close, never allows herself to go any further than just acknowledging the attraction and then distance herself from it.

After some cuddle time with the cats, Katya gets up and takes a few deep breaths. She’s physically attracted to Trixie. That’s ok. She can deal with that. Trixie has made it clear that she’s not interested, so Katya doesn’t have to do anything with her attraction. She can admire her from a distance.

Trixie is already in bed when Katya returns to the living room. She’s on her phone, the bluish light from the screen illuminating her face. The only other light in the room is the one on the other side of the bed.

“Where are your extra blankets again?” Katya says while taking off Trixie’s cardigan that she’s been wearing all day in spite of the whole bag of her own clothes that sit beside the bed.

“In the front room,” Trixie answers, but hurries to ad, “But you can sleep here. You don’t have to make a whole couch bed just for one night.”

“Sure?” Katya looks at Trixie questioningly while pushing her jeans down and taking her socks off with it.

Trixie gives a shrug.

“Yeah. If you help me sleep again, I won’t let you leave,” she says with a smile and a wink, making Katya laugh.

Katya brings Trixie water and a pain pill, which she needs after all the activities of that evening. Trixie has positioned herself with the pillow between her legs. Katya scoots close and starts stroking Trixie’s hair, and pushes the duvet away to run her fingers over Trixie’s shoulders. She’s wearing a long sleeveless nightgown that shows part of her wings, and Katya follows the lines with her fingers. Trixie giggles and wiggles her shoulders.

“Ticklish?” Katya asks.

“A little. But it feels nice.”

“Good. Go sleep.”

Trixie kind of doesn’t want to go to sleep, she wants the moment to last longer. She’s confused about the situation, and she feels a pressure to resolve it. It’s a pressure that she alone knows of, and she has put on herself, but it’s there anyway. Katya eventually falls asleep with her hand on Trixie waist, her forehead against her upper back, and Trixie is still awake. She gets her phone out from under her pillow and turns the screen brightness all the way down.

_A: I said I wouldn’t pressure you into anything but you two are super cute and I wish it could be more_

_A: could you imagine?_

_A: Trix? You fell asleep?_

_T: Not yet. Katya is sleeping. i can’t imagine it. How?!_

_A: tell her how you feel?_

_T: idk how I feel!!!_

_A: i mean about sex_

_A: Do u think she knows about asexuality?_

Trixie bites her lip when strong emotions bubble up inside her.

_T: we never talked about such things, just said we’re lesbians. actually she said she’s into women, i said DYKE_

_A: ok IF you weren’t opposed to a relationship what would you want from her_

_T: geez shrink. idk. I like the closeness, cuddling, stuff like that._

_T: I think I’ve missed that_

_A: kissing?_

_T: [thumbs up emoji]_

_A: taking care of each other?_

_T: [heart eyes emoji]_

_A: so you didn’t reject help_

_T: yeah_

_A: who are you and what have you done to my friend?!_

_T: ehhhh_

_A: NO That’s good!!! if you accept her help you trust her right_

_A: I mean who else can offer you help. just me_

_T: Blair?_

_A: You pay her_

_T: oh yeah._

_T: so maybe i do like like her_

_A: i think so_

Trixie freezes when Katya moves behind her, sighing in her sleep, and cuddles up closer. They’re completely body to body now, Katya’s chest against Trixie’s back, her arm firmly around her waist, her hand grabbing Trixie’s belly.

_T: she’s holding me in her sleep_

_A: she’s in your bed?_

_T: I’m the little spoon_

_A: omg [streaming tears emoji]_

_T: I dont know what to doooooooo [desperate emoji]_

_A: you don’t have to do anything babe! Sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow XXX_


	7. Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is over and Katya has to go back to work, Amy comes back from her trip, and Violet makes another appearance, all while Trixie still needs to keep her ankle elevated.

It’s half past four when Katya wakes up from her own muffled crying into a pillow, and she’s on the floor next to the bed. She gasps and breathes heavily, looking around in the dark, then seeing Trixie’s sleeping form on the bed. She holds her breath and scrambles to get up and into the bathroom, locking the door. She sits on the toilet in the dark and cries into the pillow for a few minutes before her body calms down.

She had another nightmare but doesn’t feel as disoriented and panicked as the last time. It’s been a while, and they’ve gotten less intense, which Katya assumes is a good thing. Her shirt and hair are gross with sweat and she’s shivering cold. She creeps out of the bathroom as silently as possible and takes her bag upstairs to shower in Amy’s bathroom. 

After a quick, hot shower, Katya sits on the floor wrapped in a towel and with her back against the tub, just like she did when Trixie was in there. She takes her phone and scrolls through the numbers. There aren’t many; her parents, brother, sister, their spouses, some cousins and distant family she hasn’t talked to in ages, her boss and coworkers, doctor, therapist… she should call her sometime soon. There is nobody from her past, nobody she still talks to who could talk to her about Chloe. 

_ ‘Maybe it helps you to know where she is. What she’s doing, how she’s doing.’ _

Katya remembers Trixie’s words from when she woke her from a really bad nightmare. She goes to the phonebooks website and types in Violet’s name and assumes she still lives in New York City. There are no results, but when Katya tries Massachusetts, she immediately finds what she’s looking for. Her heartbeat quickens when she saves the number to her phone. 

It’s still very early in the morning, and Katya doesn’t want to do anything right now. She has the number, that’s one step. She’ll figure out what to do with it later. 

Coming back to Trixie’s bed, the patient is battling the duvet that’s stuck on her boot, and Katya hurries over to help her. Trixie’s face is tired and stricken and it looks like she’s been crying. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Katya whispers in the still dark morning, climbing up on the bed to wrap her arm around Trixie. 

“Nothing, I just… I’m frustrated. It hurts, and I slept so badly. I’m just tired.” Trixie shakes her head and rubs her hands over her face, turning away from Katya. 

“Hey, that’s ok. This all sucks, you’re allowed to be annoyed,” Katya says. She gets up to take a pill from the strip on the coffee table and brings a glass of water. 

Trixie swallows the pill and sniffs. 

“Thanks. What am I gonna do without my nurse?”

“I hope my replacement is satisfactory,” Katya says. 

It makes Trixie chuckle.

“What time is it? Why are you dressed?”

Katya checks her phone. 

“It’s ten to six. Do you wanna sleep some more?”

“Will you cuddle me?”

Katya can’t hide her smile, even though she rolls her eyes, and Trixie’s returning smile makes it worse. 

“Lie down then.”   
  
“No, I wanna be the big spoon,” Trixie says, and she scoots over to the other side of the bed. 

Katya places the pillow between Trixie’s legs again and lies down in front of her so that Trixie can wrap an arm around Katya’s waist. There’s still a little space between them, and Katya is actually too warm in her leggings and sweater. Then Trixie scoots forward to close the gap, and Katya’s skin prickles under her clothes. 

“You smell nice,” Trixie whispers with her nose in Katya’s hair. 

Katya stares straight ahead, her eyes wide, and puts her hand on Trixie’s where it loosely rests on her stomach. She suppresses the urge to lean back into Trixie, to curl her body into hers, to grind her ass backward. To turn around and ask Trixie for a kiss. Just… just to try. To see what happens, how it feels. 

But Katya is scared. She’s triggered by these thoughts, and it’s not a good feeling. She keeps staring at the curtains while Trixie sleeps, and sees the darkness outside slowly light up when the day starts. 

*

It’s almost eight pm when Amy’s taxi finally stops at the house, and she’s extremely excited to come home. Nevermind saying goodbye to her family, a delayed flight and waiting for an expensive taxi - Amy is too excited to see the situation at home to care about any of the inconveniences from her almost twenty-hour long trip. 

She shivers in the freezing winter air, wearing a babydoll dress with a hoodie slung over it, her tanned legs barely covered by white embroidered tights. 

“Honey, I’m home!” she yells as soon as she has the front door unlocked. 

Cheering sounds come from the living room and Amy follows the excited voices and the smell of food. Trixie is standing in the middle of the room, leaning on her crutches, and catches Amy in a tight hug. 

Amy is sure it’s not her imagination when she sees Trixie wiping away a tear, but then she’s pulled into another hug by Katya. They eat pizza and drink cheap wine, and the cats are all over them, and Amy feels good to be home. She observes the girls while listening to the story of Trixie’s accident and tells them about Hawaii and Maui. 

Later that night, a slightly tipsy Katya goes to the bathroom and Amy grabs Trixie’s arm. Trixie is the only sober one because she didn’t want to mix her pain pills with alcohol, and she smiles at Amy’s gently slurred and very loud ‘whispering’. 

“I knew there was a thing. You guys are totally into each other,” Amy says right up against Trixie’s ear. 

“Shhh keep it down, wine mom.”

“I told you though,” Amy says with one finger against her lips as if that would make her help be more silent. 

“Shut up,” Trixie says, right when the bathroom door opens and Katya comes out. 

“Ok you whores, I gotta go home now.” Katya’s words are only slightly less slurry than Amy’s, but her Boston accent is thick. 

Amy jumps up from the couch and dances over to where Katya stands, grabbing on to her. 

“Noooo, staaaaay. You can live with us. It would be so fun!” Amy whines, wrapping both arms around Katya.

Katya laughs and turns to hug Amy, pulling her up off the floor. Trixie watches her two idiot friends from the couch and she smiles happily. They’re drunk and stupid, but she loves them dearly. 

When Katya finally has her shoes and coat on and her bag with all of her stuff, Trixie is determined to walk her to the door. She’s getting better at using the crutches, but her balance is still bad. She hops after Katya and stands in the doorway shivering a little. 

“Take care, baby. If you need anything, please call me. Promise me you’ll call!” Katya looks at Trixie sternly, waving a finger in front of her face. 

“Yes, mom,” Trixie says while rolling her eyes. 

“Such a brat,” Katya mumbles, then leans in for a hug. 

Trixie holds out her arm to embrace Katya, making her crutch fall to the floor, and she loses her balance. Katya’s arms are around her waist faster than a drunk person should be able to move, and she holds both of them up - she looks shaken, but then Trixie starts to giggle and Katya joins her. Katya picks up the crutch, and when Trixie is stable again, she puts a hand on Trixie’s cheek, caressing it with her thumb. 

“I had a really fun time here, actually,” Katya says softly. 

“Same,” Trixie replies. 

Katya leans in and kisses Trixie’s cheek, then looks at her with a smile, and Trixie suddenly feels like  _ she  _ is the drunk one. Her eyes fly to Katya’s mouth for a split second, and she wets her lips with her tongue without thinking about it. 

The look in Katya’s eyes changes and she looks back and forth from Trixie’s eyes to her mouth. 

“I…” Katya says, but it sounds like a sigh. 

Trixie leans forward, very slowly, her eyes focused on Katya’s until she’s too close and her vision becomes blurry. Their lips touch, short, soft, and Trixie has to pull away to maintain her balance. Katya holds Trixie’s face gently with both hands now, and kisses her again, a little longer, a little more purposeful. Their lips move gently together, and it’s over in two seconds, and they stare at each other. 

“Oh,” Trixie says dumbly. 

“I gotta catch the bus. We’ll talk tomorrow?”

Trixie nods and watches her friend leave without another word. 

*

“Katya? Are you in here? Katya!”

  
“Oh, what?”   
  
Katya is in the stockroom at work when her boss catches her staring at a pile of empty pill pots. 

“You’re a bit out of it today, aren’t you?” He says. He’s not scolding her, he’s more teasing her in a friendly, fatherly tone.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m a bit hungover,” Katya says, embarrassed and rolling her eyes. 

Her boss laughs a little and pats her shoulder. 

“Why don’t you go and take an early lunch, get some fresh air?”

A moment later, she walks into the cold, hands in her pockets, her phone burning in there. She had turned it completely off when she went to bed and had been nervous to turn it back on. She hadn’t slept well, kept thinking about what the hell she did, and what would happen next. She was excited, but nervous and terrified at the same time. 

After a brisk walk, Katya stops on a bridge nearby and leans over the railing to look at the river. It’s cold, but there’s barely any wind, and her boss was right - the fresh air is helping clear her mind. She takes her phone out and turns it on. Two… three messages trickle in once it’s connected, but she doesn’t open them yet. She goes to her contacts list, finds Violet’s number and creates a new message. 

_ K: Vi, is this you? It’s Katya. Can we talk? _

She stares at the screen for a moment, willing it to produce a response immediately, but there’s no indication that Violet has read the message. She checks her inbox. Two from Trixie, one from Amy. 

_ A: your my new best friend. I dumped the blonde. _

_ T: Hey, hows your day going?  _

_ T: I don’t know what to say. You start.  _

Amy sent her text just after Katya got home and turned off her phone and Trixie sent hers this morning. Katya quickly replies to Amy;  _ I’m very honoured. You know I’m blonde too, right? XO _

She thinks about a reply to Trixie while walking to a little bakery across the street. She buys a chocolate croissant just because she needs a little sugary treat, and eats it while walking back to work. Just before she enters, she answers Trixie. 

_ K: I’m both excited and scared as hell. Idk how else to say it. I want to kiss you again, but also run.  _

The reply is instant, Katya feels her phone vibrating even before she can put it back in her pocket. 

_ T: shit SAME _

_ K: You’re my best friend. I don’t want to fuck that up.  _

Three dots indicate that Trixie is typing a reply, but it takes longer and Katya locks her phone and goes back into the store. She puts her coat away, uses the bathroom, and her phone vibrates in her jeans pocket when she washes her hands. 

_ T: Before anything else, you need to know I’m asexual _

Katya stares at her phone with a frown on her face, as if the message isn’t written in English. It takes her a moment to get it, but then she says  _ ohhh _ out loud. The bell above the front entrance of the store dings and Katya quickly types a message that they’ll talk later before tending to the customer. 

Trixie sits on her couch with her booted foot on a pillow on the table, while Amy works on her laptop beside her. Trixie has been talking to her coworker Brent about her schedule and how they can make it work for now. He suggested she use her old set up in the living room of the house, where she used to have a chair and a station for tattooing.

“I told her,” Trixie says softly, maybe more to herself than to Amy. 

Amy hums but doesn’t respond, staring intently at her screen and typing quickly. 

“Ames. I told her.”   
  
“What?” Amy looks up. 

“I told Katya I’m ace.”

Amy’s eyes widen and she leans forward. 

“What? When?”

“Just now.” Trixie holds up her phone. 

“What did she say?”

“That she’s busy at work and we’ll talk later.”

“Oh. Bad timing,” Amy says with a frown.

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t… I had to say something. We kissed last night.”   
  
“What!” Amy now stands up from the couch, dropping the blanket that she had on her lap, and puts her laptop down on the table to set both hands in her sides. “You kissed and you didn’t say anything? I was right here!”

Trixie feels her face get warm and flushed and she smiles shyly. 

“I was overwhelmed, I just… ugh.” She shakes her head. 

“Trix! I told you though!” Amy says, pointing at her. 

“I know, I know. You’re physic, or whatever,” Trixie says and waves her hand in the air. 

Amy drops herself back on the couch and scoots close to Trixie, grabbing her arm and smiling big.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Well….” Trixie sighs and stares at her lap. “I’m worried.” She looks at Amy with sad eyes. “I feel like I screwed everything up.”

“Who kissed who?”

“I started, and she kissed me back.”

“Why is that screwed up? You kissed someone who wanted to be kissed by you!”

“I knooow,” Trixie says. She huffs and leans her head back on the edge of the couch. “I crossed a border that wasn’t supposed to be crossed.”

“But why not? It was consensual, it was nice. Right? It was nice?”

“Yes.” Trixie blushes again. 

“Babe, you can kiss someone and like it and still be ace,” Amy says. 

“I know. I like kissing, I like… other things. Intimacy or whatever. But I’m just afraid of what’s… next?”

“You’re worrying about things that might not happen. Stop that, it’s useless. You’re gonna talk to her when she’s done with work and then you’re gonna tell her what you just said.”

“What?” Trixie’s head comes up and she stares at Amy.

“That you liked kissing her and that you like other things, but that you’re scared. That you’ve had bad experiences and you might be a little damaged, but you wanna try.”

“Try what?  _ Be  _ with her?” Trixie frowns and spits out the words like they’re garbage. 

“Yes bitch!” Amy throws her hands in the air. “You like this woman, I know you do. You don’t want to, because you’re a coward. But you can’t go through life missing out on good things just ‘cause you’ve met some assholes in the past.”

With that, Amy gets up and walks to the kitchen with big steps. Trixie hears how she’s filling the kettle to make tea, and she sighs again, leaning back on the couch. Her ankle throbs and her head is spinning with too many thoughts. 

*

At the end of her workday, Katya plans to get some groceries before taking the bus home. Just as she leaves the store, there’s someone on the sidewalk calling her name. She turns, and it’s Violet. Her heart jumps painfully and she freezes. 

“Hey, hi. I’m sorry to ambush you like this…” Violet hesitates. “Is it a bad time?”

“No, no, it’s ok, but... I don’t understand, I thought you were still in New York?”

“Yeah, I lied,” Violet says with a little crooked, apologetic smile. “I wasn’t visiting when I saw you here. I live here now, like, one block away.” She points to the other side of the block behind the store, and Katya stares and blinks. 

“Oh. Ok.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t text or call first, I didn’t know what to say and… it was a last minute decision.”

“It’s ok. I have to get some groceries. Wanna walk with me?”

Violet nods and they walk side by side. Katya feels calm now, and she decides to get right into it.

“I wanted to talk because I have some shit I need to work out for myself,” Katya starts. She looks down at their feet as they walk. “I need to let go of my fear.”

“You wanna talk about what happened?” Violet speaks softly, carefully. 

“Maybe not that. But how is Chloe?” Katya looks up beside her, and Violet’s eyes grow big. 

“She’s doing well.”

“Yeah? Still in New York?”

“No, she’s in Tarrytown now.”

Katya is surprised that Chloe left the city. Tarrytown is a little waterside town - close to the city, but still… tiny. She never expected Chloe to end up there. When she doesn’t reply, Violet continues. 

“She’s been through some shitty times, but two years ago, she met a girl. She moved in with her in Tarrytown, and later got married. They run a farm.”

“They  _ what _ ?” Katya halts suddenly, and Violet laughs. 

“I am not kidding. They have a farm. They grow vegetables and they have goats and sheep, and like, rabbits and chickens. It’s really cool, tourists come visit and they sell their produce. Janet bakes a lot, pies and cupcakes, and sells them.”

“Wow.” Katya also laughs, and Violet just smiles at her. “I didn’t… I don’t know what I expected, but not this.”

They walk in silence for a moment, until they reach the store.

“I have to get some food. Do you wanna come?” Katya asks. 

“Nah, I told my boyfriend that I’d be back soon. But I’d love to see you again. You should come over and meet my son.” Violet’s smile is huge and radiating. 

Katya’s mouth is wide open in surprise and she grabs Violet’s arm. 

“Oh my god, you’ve grown up! You’re a mom?!”

“I am, yeah.”

Katya pulls Violet into a hug and squeezes her for a moment. They promise to text each other and meet up again. 

Violet is Chloe’s youngest sister, and Katya guesses she’s probably about thirty now. She’s grown up into a beautiful woman, and Katya feels happy for her. She’s also proud that this awkward little girl from a poor, dysfunctional family made a good life for herself. As she looks at the fresh produce, wondering what to have for dinner that’s both gonna fill her up and isn’t too expensive, Katya’s mind wanders back to Trixie and she takes out her phone. 

_ K: I was busy all day sorry. Buying groceries now. Hows the ankle? _

Katya picks up some zucchini. She knows there’s pasta left at home, and she took some chicken out of freezer this morning. All she needs is some cream to make a sauce and bread for her lunches and then she’s done. Trixie’s reply is quick. 

_ T: No problem. It’s ok, a little sore. I can’t do too much.  _

Katya stares at the message, standing still in the middle of the store, thinking hard about how to reply. She wants to talk about… The Thing that happened. Not about how her day was. 

_ K: look idk a lot about aces but I like you a lot. I told you I don’t date, and you know why, but I might change my mind now???  _

_ K: do you even want that? _

_ K: ugh idk. sorry i made this complicated :( _

_ T: You didn’t! I did! _

Katya walks blindly through the store and nearly bumps into a woman with a cart. She’s frustrated and feels rushed, and joins the longest line at the registers just so she can text a little more. 

_ T: I might want it? You & me? _

_ K: oh god this makes me so nervous _

Katya’s smile is so big, it’s embarrassing looking at her phone like that in public. She almost misses her turn at the register and stuffs her phone into her pocket quickly to pay for her items. 

_ T: me too but i liked that kiss. _

_ K: ok confession: i wanted to kiss you all weekend. I was attracted to you 1st time we met. But I have gotten used to ignoring it. _

_ T: wow really!? Im an idiot! I never noticed! _

_ K: come on baby you are beautiful, I have eyes, duh _

Trixie is in bed, trying to nap after taking a painkiller, but now her face is red hot and she’s curled in on herself, her phone close to her face and her back to the room. Amy is walking around talking on the phone with a supplier, and Trixie doesn’t want her to notice that her face has turned into a tomato.

She doesn’t know what to reply, but she doesn’t have to - Katya is typing again. 

_ K: I feel like I wanna type ALL the compliments I’ve ever thought of but never said. But idk if that’s uncomfortable for you… flirting? _

_ T: babe! you can always tell me anything. I thought you already did _

_ K: I did. but not how sexy you are. I didn’t want to change anything between us _

_ T: too late now lol _

_ K: so if I’d say like that your ass is out of this world amazing _

_ K: that doesn’t make you uncomfortable? _

Trixie wants to scream and kick her legs, but she’s not alone and she can only move one leg. 

_ T: oh god stop. My face is so hot it might explode.  _

_ K: not ok? _

_ T: it's ok but i'm so embarrassed… ugh I don’t know about my ass. it’s big. _

_ K: yes it’s big and juicy :P _

Katya is so into the texting that she almost misses her stop, rushing to get up from her seat and jump from the bus, chaotically checking if she has all of her things. She walks home and takes a couple of deep breaths. She feels lightheaded, and takes the stairs to her apartment two steps at a time, jogging to use up some of the nervous energy in her body. 

_ T: juicy sounds gross..  _

_ K: ok how about voluptuous? _

_ T: better _

_ K: but all jokes aside… i really like you and i think i wanna break all my own rules  _

_ K: but I am not so much about going out on ‘dates’ _

_ T: what are your rules? mine was just KEEP AWAY FROM CUTE WOMEN and don’t talk about sex or exes _

_ K: oh i just put up a giant wall and never talked to anyone ever. but I was comfortable with you quickly. Maybe cos the tattoo was so intimate. _

_ T: yeah I usually connect fast with people, I’m working on their body, touching them, it’s an intimate thing _

Katya doesn’t want to stop texting, ever, but she has to make dinner and Trixie says Amy has dinner ready too, so they take a break - for now. Katya switches her phone to Spotify and hits play on her playlist of old favorites. It plays _ I’m Still Standing _ by Elton John, and it couldn’t be more perfect.


End file.
